How to Be a Vampire Read online

  “What? No fangs?” The vampire shook his head. “You’re slow, kid! My last victim grew fangs within hours of my first bite.”

  “Sorry.” Andrew shrugged. “My mom says I was late getting my baby teeth too.”

  “Baby teeth!” The vampire moaned. He raised his red eyes to the ceiling. “Dark Powers, give me strength!” he muttered. Then he drew a deep breath and glared at Andrew. “First, give me back my book. How to Be a Vampire.”

  Andrew dug it out of his backpack and handed it to the vampire. “This wasn’t any help,” Andrew said.

  The vampire drew back from Andrew. “What do you mean?”

  “The writing always showed up too late,” Andrew explained. “After I’d already broken some rule.”

  The vampire sniffed. “You damaged it, no doubt,” he said. He slipped the book under his cape, where it seemed to disappear. Then he reached out a hand with long, yellow fingernails. He grabbed Andrew by the wrist and pulled him over to the open window. “We’re out of here,” he said.

  “What are you doing?” Andrew cried.

  “It’s time for flying lesson number one,” the vampire said.

  “Flying?” Andrew tried to yank his arm away.

  The vampire held it with an iron grip.

  “No!” Andrew yelped. “Don’t!”

  The vampire pulled him closer to the window.

  Andrew glanced down. His bedroom was on the second floor. It was a long way to the ground.

  The vampire hopped easily to the windowsill. He yanked Andrew up beside him.

  “Stop!” Andrew cried. “I can’t fly!”

  The vampire frowned over at Andrew.

  “Never say can’t, kid,” he advised. “Think positive.”

  Then the vampire leapt out the second-story window.

  He pulled Andrew out with him. He let go of his wrist.

  “Yaaaaa!” Andrew screamed as he fell.

  12

  A bright white light flashed before Andrew’s eyes.

  He screamed again.

  The ground came speeding toward him.

  He was about to crash! He was about to die!

  “Fly!” The vampire’s voice sounded inside his head. “Spread your wings.”

  Andrew didn’t have wings. So he spread his arms. Instantly, the ground stopped speeding toward him.

  Amazing!

  “Now flap!” the vampire’s voice boomed. “Flap the wings, kid!”

  Andrew pumped his arms up and down as fast as he could. His stomach wobbled, the way it did when he went up in an elevator. Or a plane. Andrew pumped his arms. Up and down. Up and down.

  He was flying!

  It’s a dream, Andrew thought. A very real dream.

  Andrew peered down. The ground lay below him. He wondered where the vampire was. He turned to the right. He didn’t see him. But he saw a wing. A leathery brown wing. His wing! He checked his left side. Another wing. Andrew couldn’t believe it.

  He had wings!

  Andrew stared from one wing to the other. He forgot to pump them up and down. He began to tumble through space. He tried to get his arms going again. But he spun out of control. Down, down, toward the ground.

  “Idiot!” came the vampire’s voice. “Use the wings!”

  Andrew stuck his wings straight out. He stopped spinning. The ground settled below him again. He saw the starry sky above. Andrew flapped. He rose. He flapped until he was high above the treetops.

  Then he checked himself out. His wings were still there. He peered down at his chest. It looked small and brown and furry.

  Yikes! Andrew thought. I look like a bat!

  “You are a bat.” The vampire’s voice cut into his thoughts. “What did you think you were, a canary?”

  I’m a bat? Andrew still couldn’t believe it. A bat!

  But he still thought like a boy. A boy who could fly.

  Andrew felt a rush of wind around him. He glided dizzily on a current of air. He wanted to give himself over to flying. To dive and soar and sail on the air.

  But . . . he was terrified! What if he turned back into himself now? Up over the treetops? He’d crash to the ground!

  It didn’t help to think about crashing. That only made him forget to flap his wings. He tried not to think about what might happen. He thought about now.

  Down below he saw a dark ribbon. The river. He wondered how far he’d flown. He wondered if he’d be able to find his way home.

  “Follow me,” the vampire commanded.

  Now Andrew saw something in front of him. It was a large black bat. Of course! The vampire!

  Andrew sped through the night, following the vampire. He began to trust his wings. When he tipped them down, they caught air underneath and he rose higher. When he held his wings level, he glided. When he tilted his wings up slightly, they acted like brakes. He slowed down.

  T.J. had been right about one thing.

  Flying was cool.

  “Land at the edge of the woods,” the vampire commanded.

  Andrew tilted his wings. He followed the big bat as he whizzed lower and lower. Andrew could make out houses now. And street lamps. Telephone wires.

  He was coming in fast now.

  Too fast!

  He couldn’t see. Everything blurred. A big brown shape loomed in front of him. A tree. Whoosh! Andrew swerved to keep from hitting it.

  Another tree came at him. He almost ran into it. Then he barely missed smashing into the side of a house!

  He needed his bat radar. But how did he hook into it? And fast! Before he crash-landed!

  Zap! He narrowly missed smashing into a lamppost!

  Bam!

  Andrew crashed headfirst into a tree.

  A light flashed in front of his eyes.

  He fell to the ground.

  Andrew lay there, numb.

  Then he began to tremble. A pain shot through his wings. His bones groaned and creaked. Then he felt them stretching, getting longer. Growing!

  His skin grew tight. And still his bones kept growing, pushing against his skin. Stretching it tighter and tighter until . . .

  Andrew heard a hideous tearing sound.

  He squeezed his eyes shut.

  He knew what was ripping apart.

  His skin!

  13

  The ripping stopped. All at once it was quiet. Very quiet. Andrew heard crickets chirping in the distance.

  He opened his eyes. He found himself sitting at the base of a tree. He was barefoot. And in his pajamas. But he had arms. Legs. He had skin! Normal, human skin. He shoved up his sleeves and examined his arms. His skin wasn’t ripped or torn.

  He was his old self again. Andrew Griffin, human.

  Andrew bent his arms. He moved his feet in circles. Nothing hurt. His head didn’t even hurt where he’d smashed into the tree.

  Now Andrew looked around. He was in the Fear Street Woods. But where, he couldn’t tell.

  “There you are.” The vampire towered over Andrew. “Didn’t you hear me, kid? I said to land at the edge of the woods.”

  Andrew shrugged. “I missed.” He struggled to his feet. “What were all those awful ripping sounds?”

  “Changing you into a bat . . .” The vampire snapped his fingers. “Nothing to it. But changing you back into a boy . . .” The vampire wrinkled his nose as he said boy. “That took some doing. But don’t worry,” the vampire added. “Each time will be easier, kid. The change will be instant when you become a true vampire.”

  “Um, Mr. Ved, sir?” Andrew said. “Here’s the thing. I don’t want to be a true vampire.”

  “What did I do to deserve this?” the vampire murmured. Then he glared at Andrew. “What, you didn’t like flying?”

  “Flying was okay, but—”

  “Okay?” Count Ved cut in. “Okay? Do you know how many humans would sell their grandmothers to fly the way you flew tonight?”

  “I know.” Andrew nodded. “But . . . I’d just as soon take a plane. Really! I don’t wan
t to turn into a bat. Or sleep all day. Or . . . or do anything that vampires do.”

  “Oh, we all start out with these feelings. That’s normal. But we learn better.” The vampire clapped an arm around Andrew’s shoulder. “You’ll see. You will develop a taste for being a vampire!” He threw back his head and cackled at his own joke.

  “I won’t.” Andrew didn’t crack a smile. “Trust me.”

  “You will!” the vampire insisted. “Trust me!” He smiled, showing his awful, rotten teeth.

  Andrew shivered. He didn’t want to become a creature like Count Humphrey Ved! All decaying and dead-smelling. Never!

  “Now . . .” The vampire grew serious. “Very soon your body will reject human food. You’ll have to hunt.”

  “You mean . . .” Andrew began. “You mean I’ll have to drink . . .”

  “Blood,” the vampire finished for him. He rolled his red eyes. “What did you think? Carrot juice? Now, when you hunt—”

  “No!” Andrew cut in. “Please! Mr. Ved! Don’t make me hunt!”

  “But you must,” the vampire insisted. “Hunting lesson number one, coming up!”

  “Please! Don’t make me hunt!” Andrew begged. “Please!”

  “You won’t start hunting humans, kid,” the vampire told him. “You like hamburgers?”

  “Hamburgers?” Andrew said. Relief flooded through him. “You mean . . . I’m going to hunt hamburgers?”

  The vampire took a deep breath. “No, I’m only pointing out that you eat meat,” he said slowly. “Meat comes from animals. So, you begin by hunting animals. And drinking animal blood.”

  “No!” Andrew squeezed his eyes shut. He felt sick. He couldn’t drink animal blood! He had to find a way out of this!

  “Let’s get started, kid,” the vampire said.

  “Hold it,” Andrew said.

  The vampire glared down at him. “Now what?”

  “I can’t drink blood,” Andrew pointed out. “No fangs.”

  The vampire’s frown changed to a smile. “Hey! Maybe you’re not so dumb,” he said. “Not all my pupils think to ask. Okay, here’s the thing, kid. Your first prey will be tender. Your own teeth can bite through its skin. You’ll drink what blood you can. It’s a little messy, but—hey. It’s a meal.”

  Andrew’s stomach lurched again. No way could he do this!

  “The first thing you have to do . . .” the vampire began.

  “I have to go to the bathroom!” Andrew blurted out.

  The vampire pointed a finger into the woods. “Then go!”

  Andrew took off running. He ran deeper into the Fear Street Woods. He didn’t care. As long as he was running away from the vampire. He kept on running. He was getting away! Escaping!

  Andrew ran until he couldn’t run another step. He stopped in a small clearing. He leaned against a tree, gasping for breath. He had to take off again soon. Before the vampire found him.

  Andrew heard leaves rustle. He turned.

  He hoped it was a squirrel. Or a rabbit. Or even a bear.

  At the edge of the clearing stood the vampire.

  But . . . why was he smiling?

  “Excellent work, kid!” The vampire rubbed his hands together as he walked toward Andrew. “This is a perfect spot!”

  “Spot?” Andrew said, feeling dizzy.

  “This clearing.” The vampire nodded in approval. “So many burrows. So many tender young bunnies!”

  Andrew groaned. Now, how was he going to get out of this?

  “Okay, kid, the first thing you need to do is listen,” the vampire told him. “Listen for the heartbeat.”

  “Heartbeat?” Andrew repeated dully. He tried desperately to think up another escape plan.

  “The heart?” The vampire leaned toward Andrew. “The thing that pumps blood through the body? The sound it makes is called a heartbeat. Listen for it.”

  Andrew cocked his head. “I don’t hear anything,” he said after a few seconds. “I guess I’m no good at hunting.”

  “Try again,” the vampire commanded. “Close your eyes.”

  Andrew closed his eyes. He knew he wouldn’t hear a heartbeat. After a while the vampire would give up on him. He’d have to! Andrew pretended to listen.

  “Really listen!” The vampire’s voice boomed.

  Uh-oh. Andrew had no choice. He listened.

  He heard wind whistling through the trees. Crickets chirruped in the distance. Wings flapped overhead. Something scampered through fallen leaves. Andrew relaxed. He heard only woodsy sounds. His hearing was still only human. He couldn’t hear what real vampires heard. No heartbeat.

  Andrew smiled with relief. He opened his eyes.

  “Well?” the vampire said. “Did you hear it?”

  “Sorry,” Andrew said cheerfully. “Didn’t hear a thing.”

  “Concentrate harder,” the vampire advised. “I know you can do it. I’m pulling for you, kid.”

  Andrew closed his eyes again. He thought about heartbeats. How did a heartbeat sound? Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. At least that’s the way it sounded in the film Mr. Kopnick showed in science class last year. Everyone in his class joked around for days afterward, chanting: Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.

  Well, there was no way he was going to hear any old lub-dub. He’d just keep his eyes closed a few more seconds. Then he’d open them and say I can’t hear anything. He’d do it as many times as it took for the vampire to get sick of him and go away!

  And then Andrew heard. There was no mistaking it. The sound was nothing like lub-dub. Nothing at all.

  It was a small heart. It beat quickly.

  Andrew didn’t move a muscle. With every part of his body, he listened to the heartbeat. Then, almost without knowing it, he moved toward the sound.

  Andrew’s mouth began to water.

  “Good, good,” the vampire whispered softly. “Follow it.”

  Andrew nodded. He kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to take a chance on losing the heartbeat.

  “Follow,” the vampire said again. “Go on.”

  Andrew moved quickly through the woods. He kept his eyes closed. He didn’t need to see. His other senses were awake now. Wide awake. He felt a tree before he bumped into it. Somehow he heard the path he was to follow. He kept his focus on the heartbeat. He sensed his prey more strongly with every step.

  He came closer. The heart beat more frantically. His victim must sense his coming. But the terrified creature didn’t know where to run, where to hide.

  At last the heartbeat took over. It filled Andrew’s mind. Saliva dripped from his lips. It ran down his chin. He had never been so hungry. He couldn’t wait to take his first bite. To taste the warm red blood.

  Now! Andrew opened his eyes. In front of him sat a small brown rabbit. It trembled. Its eyes were large and filled with fear. Andrew stared into the frightened eyes. The rabbit didn’t move. It was frozen with terror.

  Andrew reached out and scooped up the rabbit. He held it close. Its heartbeat filled him with such hunger. He stroked the frightened thing once. But he felt no pity.

  All he felt was hunger.

  All he saw in front of him was food.

  Andrew bared his teeth.

  He lowered his mouth to the rabbit’s neck.

  14

  The rabbit’s fur tickled Andrew’s lips.

  He wrinkled up his nose: “Ah-chooo!”

  The sneeze drove the heartbeat out of Andrew’s head. He wiped his free hand across his nose. He stared at the frightened rabbit in his other hand.

  What had he been thinking?

  Had he wanted to bite this little bunny? To drink its blood?

  No way!

  He dropped the rabbit. It darted off into the bushes.

  Andrew shuddered. He had wanted to drink that rabbit’s blood! A wave of sickness came over Andrew. He’d come so close. That was the scary part. He had wanted to drink blood!

  Then he saw something even scarier. The vampire! He glided through the trees
toward him. What would Count Ved do to him? What was the punishment for letting the rabbit go?

  The vampire stopped in front of Andrew. “I have misjudged you,” he said.

  “I told you,” Andrew whimpered. “I don’t want—”

  “Silence!” The vampire held up a hand. “You talk too much, kid. Way too much. You must listen. Listen and learn.”

  “Okay,” Andrew said weakly.

  “Most beginners,” he said, “love to feed on animals.”

  Andrew nodded. He had come close to doing it. Too close!

  “They become attached to animal feedings,” the vampire went on. “They never develop a taste for human blood.”

  “You mean . . .” Andrew began. “You’re not punishing me?”

  “No.” The vampire smiled. “I’m happy you let the rabbit go. It is a good sign, kid. A very good sign.”

  A good sign? Andrew felt shaky as the awful thought hit him: I’m on my way to drinking human blood!

  “Unfortunately,” the vampire went on, “you can’t hunt human prey yet. Not without fangs. So that lesson will have to wait.”

  Andrew heaved a great sigh of relief.

  “Your fangs will come, kid.” The vampire put an arm around Andrew’s shoulder. “Hey, maybe they’ll show up in time for Fangsgiving!” Again the vampire cackled at his own joke.

  The two started walking through the Fear Street Woods.

  Andrew didn’t know which was worse. The vampire’s rotten scent—or his rotten sense of humor.

  “You’re small, kid,” the vampire was saying. “But promising. I knew you wouldn’t want the rabbit! I felt it in my bones.”

  They kept walking. The vampire kept talking. But Andrew didn’t listen. He thought about that rabbit. He had come so close to drinking its blood! He never wanted to come that close again. He had to figure out how to stop turning into a vampire.

  Andrew had only one hope: T.J. If anyone could figure out how to stop him from turning into a vampire, T.J. could.

  The vampire stopped near Lake Fear. He studied the sky.

  Andrew gazed up too. The stars had faded. It wasn’t quite so dark anymore.

  “Dawn will soon be here,” the vampire warned. “Quick, kid! Dig yourself a hole to sleep in.”