Calling All Birdbrains Read online

  Rotten School

  Calling All Birdbrains

  R.L. Stine

  Illustrations by Trip Park

  For Lawson

  –TP

  Contents

  Map

  Morning Announcements

  1. “Bite My Beak!”

  2. A Noisy Tug-of-War

  3. Totally Busted

  4. Who’s a Dumb Tweet?

  5. The Ecch Needs a Partner

  6. Time to Start Gacking

  7. Get Out the Mop

  8. Is There a Cure for Bad Luck?

  9. Lippy Takes a Powder

  10. Angel’s Little Joke

  11. Good News, Bad News

  12. Bernie the Human Pretzel

  13. “What Have I Done?”

  14. Who Deserves a Little Bad Luck?

  15. Bird Plop for Brains

  16. Time to Start Acking

  17. “Urrrrrrp,” Crench Replied

  18. Gassy Shows Off

  19. Who’s a Good Bird?

  20. Feathers Fly

  21. L-O-S-E-R

  22. Flat Bernie

  About the Author

  Other Books by Rotten School Series

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Map

  MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

  Good morning, Rotten Students. This is Headmaster Upchuck. Please put away all sharp objects. You know you can’t be trusted with sharp objects.

  I hope you are all having a Rotten Day. Here are this morning’s important announcements….

  I’m sorry to announce that third grader Harry Legg is the first student in school history to flunk Morning Announcements. I’m sure Harry will do much better when he repeats third grade next year.

  Chef Baloney would like all students to know that the object found in the salad last night was not a human finger. It was a chimpanzee finger.

  Fifth grader Chasen Flyballz will be showing off his pierced tongue at table six in the Dining Hall at lunch. As usual, Chasen will be sitting alone.

  The sixth grade Dress-Up Dance will be held tonight in the gym. The theme of the dance is: “Party Till You’re Sick.” Everyone should come dressed as your favorite disease.

  The After-School Big Eaters Club is holding its Charity Burp-Off in the Dining Hall at lunch. The club hopes to raise five hundred dollars for kids in other countries who cannot burp.

  Chapter 1

  “BITE MY BEAK!”

  “Uno!” I cried. I slapped my cards down on the table. “Pay up, guys. Pay up.”

  Sherman Oaks, that spoiled, rich brat, pulled some money from his gold money clip. He shook his head. “You’ve won every game, Bernie. I’m down to my last five hundred dollars!”

  “When you’re hot, you’re hot,” I said, taking his money. “Come on, total up your cards, Feenman. You owe me big-time!”

  Across the table, my friend Crench groaned. “Bernie, you’re unbelievable. How can one person win TWENTY Uno games in a row?”

  I flashed him my million-dollar grin. “Guess I’m just lucky!” I reached up to my shoulder and petted Lippy, my adorable parrot.

  he squawked.

  He’s so sweet! Who taught him to say those cute things?

  He dug his claws into my shoulder as I tickled his feathers. That adorable parrot always warms my heart.

  Across the card table, Sherman’s pal Wes Updood was still counting his cards. “Do all worms come from Ohio?” he muttered. “Even Gummi Worms? That’s just totally Toledo—know what I mean?”

  Wes is the coolest dude at Rotten School. He’s so totally cool, no one can understand a word he says!

  “Goat’s milk,” Wes muttered. “What’s up with goats, anyway? Do they have to be so short? That’s totally Toledo. Yo!” He went back to counting his Uno cards.

  Feenman yawned so hard, he fell off his chair. He sat on the floor and rubbed his red eyes. “Bernie, what time is it?”

  Sherman raised his huge gold watch. The watch has so many jewels and so many gadgets, it weighs nearly forty pounds. Sherman usually pays a first grader to carry it around for him.

  “Whoa,” he said, squinting at the flashing dial. “You wouldn’t believe the temperature on Mars!”

  “I just want to know the time,” Feenman said, curling up on the floor.

  “It’s six in the morning,” I said. I pointed to the clock on the wall.

  Lippy chirped. He dug his claws deeper into my shoulder.

  Wes and Sherman stood up, shaking their heads, watching me count my winnings. “See you, guys,” Sherman said, starting to the door.

  “Rather be you than see you,” Wes said.

  Did that make any sense?

  You probably go home after school every day. But our school is a boarding school. That means we live here. We can do whatever we want. No parents! And that means staying up all night!

  We have our all-night Uno tournaments in a tiny back room in the Student Center. All the lights are out in the building. No one knows we are here.

  When we sneak back to our dorms, we have to be very careful. I don’t know why—but for some reason, Headmaster Upchuck doesn’t approve of all-night card games.

  Sherman and Wes closed the door behind them.

  Crench jumped to his feet. “Bernie, tell me your secret,” he said. “How did you win every game? Tell me! How?” He grabbed the front of my shirt—and knocked Lippy off my shoulder.

  The bird let out a cry as he hit the floor. Then he was silent.

  I gasped. I spun away from Crench and dropped to the floor in a panic. I scooped up the parrot in my hands. “Lippy, speak to me!” I cried. “Speak to me!”

  Lippy squawked.

  I cradled Lippy against my chest. “Thank goodness you’re okay.”

  Feenman squinted at me. “Bernie, why do you bring that squawking bird to all our card games?” he asked.

  “Yeah, he’s just a stupid bird. What’s the big deal?” Crench said.

  My two best buddies in the world, and they didn’t understand.

  “Hel-lo!” I said. “Just a stupid bird? I don’t think so! Want to know how I win every game? You’re looking at him! It’s Lippy. He’s a lucky bird!”

  Chapter 2

  A NOISY TUG-OF-WAR

  I felt something warm and sticky plop into my hand. If only parrots could be housebroken!

  “Lippy is a good-luck charm,” I explained, wiping my hand off on Crench’s jeans. “I can’t win without him.”

  Feenman blinked. “You’re joking, right?”

  “No joke,” I said, tickling Lippy’s back. “Haven’t you dudes noticed? Every time I bring Lippy to a game, I win big-time.”

  Feenman and Crench laughed. “Yeah. That bird really knows his cards,” Feenman said. “Maybe we should let him deal!”

  They both laughed some more.

  “Go ahead and make fun,” I said. “But this parrot is totally lucky. And not just for card games. Every time he’s with me, he brings me good luck.”

  Lippy squawked and dropped a huge glob of green bird plop on the floor.

  Feenman and Crench jumped away from it. “Bombs away!” Feenman cried.

  “How lucky is that?” Crench said. “Bernie, get serious. That fat parrot is totally gross.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I said. “You guys think you’re so smart? Look what Lippy was trying to show me.”

  I pointed to the floor. Next to the glob of bird plop was a dollar bill.

  I picked it up and shoved it into my pocket. “See?” I said. “Someone dropped that money. And why did I find it? Because of Lucky Lippy!”

  That made them both stop laughing. They stared at Lippy.

  “No joke? That loudmou
th pile of feathers is lucky?” Feenman said. “Hey—let me touch him. I want some luck to rub off on me!”

  “Yo! Me too!” Crench cried.

  They both pounced on Lippy at the same time. Feenman grabbed him around the neck. Crench grabbed the claws.

  Crench shouted.

  Feenman shouted back.

  It was an ugly tug-of-war. Feathers flew everywhere. They stretched Lippy out until he was about six feet long!

  “Both of you—let go of him!” I cried.

  the parrot squawked.

  I screamed. “Are you both nuts?” I grabbed my adorable pet back and hugged him to my chest. “Look what you did to him!”

  Chapter 3

  TOTALLY BUSTED

  I held up the poor parrot and examined him. Lippy had a big BALD SPOT on the back of his head.

  “Look what you did! You SCALPED him!” I cried.

  They both backed away. “We just rubbed him a little. You know. For luck,” Crench said.

  I patted Lippy gently. “There, there,” I whispered. I had to chuckle. With that bald head, Lippy looked a lot like Headmaster Upchuck.

  I turned back to my two buddies. “Just keep your paws off my lucky bird,” I said.

  “No problem,” Feenman said, yawning. “See you back at the dorm, Big B.” They both shuffled out the door.

  I held Lippy gently and tried to smooth his feathers. The poor guy didn’t even realize he was bald now.

  I set him carefully on my shoulder. Then I crept out the back door of the Student Center.

  The morning sun was just coming up. A ribbon of red crossed the sky. The grass was still wet and shiny from the previous night’s dew.

  I couldn’t wait to get back to my room in Rotten House and count my Uno winnings. Walking in the shade under the apple trees, I began trotting over the Great Lawn.

  I was halfway across campus when I heard a chilling sound. A man’s voice calling me.

  I froze. Lippy froze, too.

  I turned to see Mr. Skruloose running toward me. Mr. Skruloose is the Assistant Headmaster, and he’s probably the toughest man on earth. He calls us all “soldier” and acts like we’re at war.

  Every morning at dawn, he goes on a ten-mile hike. Just for fun.

  I took a deep breath as I watched Mr. Skruloose march toward me. Was I busted? Would Skruloose realize I’d been up all night?

  He stopped about two inches in front of me. Sweat poured down his forehead. His big muscles rippled under the tight sleeves of his T-shirt.

  he boomed. “Why are you up at six? And why do you have a parrot on your shoulder?”

  He slowly lowered his face to mine. “You’d better have a good answer, Bridges.”

  Chapter 4

  WHO’S A DUMB TWEET?

  Was I worried? Nervous? Totally in a panic?

  No way.

  I knew I could talk my way out of this jam—with my lucky bird there. Lucky Lippy never lets me down.

  Mr. Skruloose leaned over me. We were nearly forehead to forehead. I couldn’t believe it. The dude had big muscles in his forehead!

  “Let’s hear it, soldier!” he boomed.

  I cleared my throat. “Well, sir,” I started, “I’m president of the Wildlife Club. Early morning is the best time to wake up and see wildlife stuff—don’t you agree?”

  He stared at me, trying to decide if I was lying.

  “I love to get up before the sun,” I said. “If it means I can see exciting wildlife—like this wild African parrot.”

  Skruloose eyed the parrot.

  I stuck out my hand. “Perhaps you’d like to make a donation to the Wildlife Club, sir?” I said. “If you have a spare ten-dollar bill, I know everyone in our club will appreciate it.”

  I waited for Skruloose to pull out his wallet. He had to believe my story. The lucky parrot always brings me luck when I’m in a jam.

  “A donation?” Skruloose cried. “Bridges, why should I give you money when you have a big wad of dollar bills in your shirt pocket?”

  “Well, I can explain that, sir,” I said. “We members of the club need money to protect endangered animals, sir. Like this poor parrot. He—”

  “There IS no Wildlife Club!” Skruloose thundered. “You were up all night playing cards—weren’t you?”

  “No way!” I cried. “Well…maybe…”

  Skruloose grabbed my shoulder and lifted me about two feet off the ground. “I’m taking you to Headmaster Upchuck’s office,” he said. “You can tell him about your all-night card game.”

  “Huh?”

  That’s all I could say. I was too dazed to talk.

  How could this happen to me, the Great Bernie B.?

  I had failed to talk my way out of a jam. That never happens—not when I have Lippy with me.

  Lippy called to Skruloose.

  “Think that’s funny, Bridges?” Skruloose sneered. “Think I don’t know that’s you imitating a parrot?”

  “But, sir—” I started.

  “When you’re finished with the Headmaster,” Skruloose boomed, “come see me. We can talk about what’s funny and what isn’t.”

  Lippy squawked.

  Mr. Skruloose’s face turned bright red. I think that meant he was kinda angry.

  I shook my head as he carried me to the Headmaster’s office.

  What just happened here? Did Lucky Lippy just get me into even worse trouble?

  Chapter 5

  THE ECCH NEEDS A PARTNER

  Headmaster Upchuck lectured me for two hours. He said if he caught me playing cards again, he’d give me an even longer lecture.

  I said, “Don’t worry, sir. You won’t catch me.”

  “Bernie, before you go, here’s a bit of advice,” Upchuck said. “Whatever it is you like to do…don’t do it.”

  “Good advice, sir,” I said. I gave him a sharp, two-fingered salute.

  I gritted my teeth. Was Lippy going to get me into even more trouble?

  The Upchuck laughed. “Very funny parrot, Bernie,” he said. Then his smile faded. “Get rid of him. Pets aren’t allowed on campus.”

  “Pet, sir?” I said. “This bird isn’t a pet. He’s a wild bird. He migrated here from the west coast of Africa.”

  Upchuck stared at Lippy. “He flew ten thousand miles and just happened to land on your shoulder?”

  “Go figure, sir.”

  The Headmaster frowned. “Bernie, let me give you one more piece of advice.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said.

  Upchuck said.

  “Good advice, sir,” I said again.

  I held on to Lippy, turned, and ran out of the Headmaster’s office. The morning sun was shining above the trees now, and the air was warm. A beautiful day—but I didn’t care.

  “Lippy, what’s up with you?” I asked. “You didn’t help me at all.”

  The bird leaned down and nipped my earlobe.

  That really hurts.”

  I heard the thunder of hoofbeats. The ground shook. It sounded like a cattle stampede.

  I looked up—and saw Jennifer Ecch rumbling toward me. Jennifer is big and strong and hulky and tough. She once arm-wrestled a tree and WON!

  And did I mention that she’s totally in love with me?

  Do you know how yucky it is to be in fourth grade and have a girl call you “Honey Face” and “Sugar Toes”?

  I knew what The Ecch wanted.

  She wanted me to be her partner at the annual I. B. Rotten Outdoor Game Competition. The games are a really big deal. They were started by the founder of our school, I. B. Rotten.

  The whole school competes.

  Everyone has to have a partner. They take us in school buses to Lake Choking Gas, where the games are held.

  I watched Jennifer bounce over the grass. I knew I had no choice. I had to hide.

  No way I wanted to be her partner.

  I dove behind a clump of leafy bushes. Then I dropped to the ground and lay flat in a pile of dead leaves.

  Frant
ically, I began scooping the large, brown leaves over me. In seconds, I was totally buried beneath them.

  I held Lippy to my chest and rubbed him for good luck.

  “Don’t let her find me…. Don’t let her find me.”

  Chapter 6

  TIME TO START GACKING

  A few seconds later, the leaves crackled. Strong hands swept my cover away.

  I opened my eyes to see Jennifer Ecch’s one blue eye and one brown eye staring down at me. She grabbed me around the waist and picked me up like I was her Barbie doll.

  “Good morning, Angel Nose,” she boomed. “Are you doing a little nature study down there?”

  “Put me down,” I said. “And please—don’t call me Angel Nose.”

  She licked my ears for five or ten minutes. Then she said, “Honey Face, will you be my partner at the I. B. Rotten Games?”

  “Huh?” That was my best reply. I was in total shock.

  I stared at Lippy. The bird let me down again!

  What was up with Lucky Lippy?

  he squawked.

  “Just shut up,” I muttered, clamping my fingers around his beak.