Punk'd and Skunked Read online

  Rotten School

  Punk’d and Skunked

  R.L. Stine

  Illustrations by Trip Park

  For Chase

  –TP

  Contents

  Map

  Morning Announcements

  1. PPP

  2. Drooling

  3. How Do You Spell $$$$?

  4. A New Taste Treat

  5. Slap, Slap

  6. April-May Makes It Rain

  7. A Solid Platinum Winner

  8. An Inside-Out Nose

  9. And the Winner Is…

  10. Belzer’s PPP Problem

  11. Who’s Got the Invention?

  12. Don’t Make Waves

  13. A Splash of Tea

  14. Loser Inventions

  15. Punk’d and Skunked

  16. Think…Think…Think…

  17. Stuck in the Swamp

  18. An Instant Winner

  19. A Croquet Lesson

  20. A Rule Against Naked Butts?

  21. Sweet!

  22. A Big Einish

  About the Author

  Other Books by Rotten School Series

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Map

  MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

  Good morning, everyone. This is Headmaster Upchuck, wishing everyone a Rotten Day in every way. Remember—each and every one of you is a Rotten student. And that should make you proud. Here are today’s Morning Announcements….

  Congratulations to The Bleeders, our varsity Head-Butting team, for winning the State Head-Butting Championship. I’ll be handing out the trophy as soon as the boys stop crying and holding their heads.

  Chef Baloney announces that tonight is “Not Too Spoiled” Night in the Dining Hall. Chef will be serving tasty leftovers that are not too spoiled. Enjoy!

  The Make-a-Great-Invention Contest has begun. I’m sorry that sixth-grade inventor Chris P. Chikken will not be able to show off his clever invention—the Chocolate-Flavored Backpack—because he ate it.

  In other Invention Contest news, Nyce House student Wes Updood says he has invented a new day of the week. He calls it Thrukesday. I’ve asked the nurse to give Wes a thorough checkup.

  Our annual Frog Roast will be held Friday night. Anyone interested in roasting a frog should sign up today. The frogs are going fast.

  Our school Whistling Champion, Otto Nobetter, will not be performing the “Theme From Scooby-Doo” tonight because of a big, red, oozing sore on his lip. Otto will be showing off his sore at lunch today.

  Chapter 1

  PPP

  “Dudes, here’s a spelling lesson,” I told my friends. “How do you spell excitement?”

  Belzer scratched his head. “Does it start with an X?”

  I patted him on the back. “Nice try.”

  Belzer grinned his lopsided grin. “It was a lucky guess,” he said.

  “Yo, Belzer,” Feenman said. “Do big noses run in your family?”

  “I’ve heard that joke,” Belzer said.

  Feenman grinned. “Who’s joking?”

  “Give it a rest,” I said. I pulled Feenman, Crench, Belzer, Nosebleed, and Billy the Brain into the Common Room. “This is how you spell excitement,” I said.

  That’s me, see. I’m Bernie Bridges. Some people call me Grandmaster Dude, King of All the Fourth Graders. But I’d never say anything like that. I’m waaay too modest.

  But when I have news, I have NEWS. That’s why I dragged all my guys into the Common Room. It’s a big room with couches and chairs, a TV, and a game table. It’s like our living room.

  You probably go home every day after school. But Rotten School is a boarding school. That means we live here, in a dorm. It’s actually a falling down, old house called Rotten House. It’s the best dorm on campus—mainly because Bernie B. lives here.

  Oops. There I go, being modest again!

  My friend Beast was chewing a couch cushion. It took three guys to pull him away.

  Beast is a good guy. But we’re not sure if he’s really human. He’s too hairy to be a human. And last week he got caught chewing his initials into a tree trunk.

  I like him. But I keep my fingers away from his mouth.

  I stood at the head of the game table. “Dudes, I know you’re wondering why I invited you here,” I said.

  Crench rolled his eyes. “Bernie, we know why,” he said. “You want to have a poker game tonight. But we can’t.”

  “We’re broke,” Feenman said. “You already took all our money. I swear!”

  I made a spitting sound. “Forget poker games,” I said. “That’s small potatoes. I’ve got something BIG. Something exciting with a capital X!”

  Now I had their attention. I pulled open my school blazer so they could see my T-shirt.

  They all stared at it. Belzer sounded out the letters.

  “Bernie, what’s your problem?” Nosebleed asked. “Why does that say PPP on it?”

  Beast tossed his head back and hee-hawed. “P-P-P. Get it? Get it?”

  Crench tugged the front of my shirt. “If you have to go pee-pee, why wear a shirt about it?”

  I pushed his hands away. “Crench, what did I tell you about trying to make a joke?

  Do you want to strain your brain for life?”

  “Well, what does PPP stand for?” Billy the Brain asked.

  YES! I even stumped the class brainiac!

  “I’ll tell you,” I said.

  But it’ll take a whole chapter to explain it. Keep reading, everyone….

  Chapter 2

  DROOLING

  I tapped the letters on my shirt. “PPP stands for Preppy Prep Prep,” I said. “You guys heard of it?”

  Belzer scratched his greasy hair. “You mean you don’t have to go pee-pee?”

  “Preppy Prep Prep,” I repeated.

  “That snooty prep school across town?” Billy asked.

  I flashed him two thumbs-up. “You got it, ace. You heard about this school, right? It’s wall-to-wall rich kids. They have servants to carry their fat wallets for them!”

  Beast hee-hawed again. “P-P-P. Get it?”

  “I heard about that school,” Crench said. “The kids all have butlers to dress them in the morning.”

  “They drive to class on Ferrari motor scooters,” Feenman said. “Every room has a Jacuzzi. And they have steaks every day for lunch and dinner!”

  “I heard they have steaks for breakfast, too!” I said. “They’re filthy rich! Filthy rich! And soon we’re gonna be filthy rich, too!”

  I couldn’t help myself. I started chanting: “Filthy rich! Filthy rich! Filthy rich!”

  I guess I lost it a little. I was hopping up and down, my tongue hanging out, drooling on my shirt. Feenman and Crench had to hold me till I started breathing normally again.

  “Big B, I don’t get it,” Nosebleed said. “How are we going to get to Preppy Prep Prep?”

  I stared at him. “Haven’t you heard about the contest?” I asked.

  That’s another whole chapter. You’d better keep reading, dudes. I’m getting to the good part.

  Chapter 3

  HOW DO YOU SPELL $$$$?

  Beast started chewing the couch cushion again. It was a problem—because three guys were sitting on the couch.

  “Listen up, dudes,” I said. “Haven’t you heard about the Make-a-Great-Invention Contest?”

  They stared at me.

  “All three dorms at Rotten School have to make a great invention,” I explained. “The winner goes to Preppy Prep Prep to compete with five other schools.”

  “Is there a prize or something?” Crench asked.

  “You bet there’s a prize,” I said. “The winning inventors get five thousand dollars in cash. Did y
ou hear me? Cash. That’s spelled $$$$! And you also get to be on TV on MTV-6.”

  “Wow!”

  “Awesome!”

  “Totally rad!”

  “No way!”

  That got ’em excited. MTV-6 is the best MTV channel of all. They don’t play music videos, and they don’t talk about anything. They just mess around all day, looking cool.

  “We’re gonna be on TV and win HUGE bucks,” I said, rubbing my hands together. “And we’ll stay at Preppy Prep Prep and live like spoiled rich kids for a whole week!”

  I finally got them totally worked up. They began to chant, “Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!” And they picked me up and carried me on their shoulders around the room five or six times.

  Finally I got dizzy and had to hop down.

  I raised a fist into the air. “On to Preppy Prep Prep!” I shouted.

  “Bernie?” a tiny voice whispered.

  I turned to see Chipmunk, the shyest kid at Rotten School. He was wedged in a corner. He had his hands covering his face. That’s just how shy he is. “Bernie, we have a small problem,” he muttered into his hands.

  “Problem?” I said. “What kind of problem?”

  “We don’t have an invention.”

  Chapter 4

  A NEW TASTE TREAT

  “Do I look worried? No way,” I said. “I know we have a genius in this room. One of you guys is gonna come up with the winning invention.”

  I glanced down the long table. My guys all stared back at me. Some of them chewed their bubble gum tensely. Some of them couldn’t chew gum and stare at the same time.

  But I knew my pep talk would start them thinking.

  “Who’s got the big idea?” I asked. “Who’s got the invention that’s going to take us to Preppy Prep Prep?”

  Stare, stare.

  Chew, chew.

  “Don’t all answer at once,” I said.

  Finally Billy the Brain raised his hand. “I’ve got one, Bernie.”

  I knew the dude would come through. He’s the school genius. His body weight is eighty-eight percent brain. Really. It’s been tested.

  “What’s your invention, Brain?” I said. “Hey—quiet. Listen up, guys.”

  Billy rubbed his chin. “How about a balloon that runs entirely on air?” he said.

  “Keep thinking,” I said.

  Sometimes I think Billy has the wrong nickname. Sometimes I think he should be called Billy the Stupid Moron.

  Belzer jumped to his feet. He was so excited, he swallowed his bubble gum. The bubble gum wad was as big as a sponge. I could see it slide down his throat.

  He choked for about five minutes. Then he said, “I’ve got it, Big B. It just came to me.”

  “Belzer, tell us,” I said.

  “A left-handed paper cup.” He flashed me his sheepdog grin.

  The poor guy really thought he had a great idea. Sad.

  “Sit down,” I said. “Rest your brain.”

  I turned to my friend Nosebleed. He had a tissue pressed to his nose. “Nosebleed, what’s up?”

  “I was thinking too hard,” he said. “It gave me a nosebleed.” He shook his head. “That always happens.”

  Beast let out a roaring burp that made the lights flicker. “Yo! I just invented the BURP!” he yelled. “Hee-hee-hee-hee! Don’t anyone steal it. It’s MINE!”

  “We’re not getting anywhere,” I said, sighing. “Come on, dudes. We’ve got to win this thing. Think. Think!”

  Feenman raised a hand. “I’ve got an awesome invention, Bernie. You won’t believe it.”

  “I’ll believe it, dude,” I said. “Tell us!”

  “It’s a machine that turns you invisible.”

  “Whoa!” I cried. “Yes! Excellent, Feenman. We’ll definitely win with that. Tell us how it works.”

  Feenman shrugged. “Beats me. I just think it’s a cool idea.”

  “Maybe you could do it with mirrors,” Crench said.

  “Keep thinking,” I told them.

  Billy the Brain jumped up. “This time I’ve got it, Bernie. Think about this—a reusable toothbrush! Get it? A toothbrush you can use again and again!”

  I squinted at him. “Billy, are you from Mars? They’re already reusable.”

  His mouth dropped open. “They ARE?”

  I looked around the room. “Anybody got an idea? Come on—anybody?”

  Beast had a strange grin on his face. His jaw was moving up and down. He started to pant like a dog.

  “Beast, you’ve got an idea?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Everyone will love it,” he said. “It’s so tasty!” His grin grew wider. “It’s called Hamster on a Stick!”

  Guys were gagging and holding their stomachs.

  Beast pulled some tiny bones from his mouth. “Hey—try one. The fur gets stuck in your teeth. But it tastes GREAT!”

  Chapter 5

  SLAP, SLAP

  I left Rotten House and took myself for a walk across campus. Maybe the sun was shining, maybe not. Maybe it was a warm day, maybe cold.

  I couldn’t care less.

  I was thinking hard. And when Bernie B.’s brain starts chugging, I can’t see or hear anything but my brilliant thoughts.

  Once again I had to do all the work. My guys were clueless. I had to dream up something awesome to win the contest.

  How about shoes you can also wear as gloves?

  A light-up comb so you can see your hair in the dark? Brilliant—but not brilliant enough.

  I had my head down as I walked. I was thinking so hard, I could feel my brain turning somersaults in my skull.

  “Whoa—” I bumped right into the Peevish twins. Flora and Fauna Peevish are totally identical. They are both short and thin with brown eyes and mousy brown hair.

  “Hi, Bernie,” Flora said.

  How did I know she was Flora? She was the one standing next to Fauna.

  “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?” Fauna asked.

  I snapped my fingers. “Awesome!” I said. “That might be an awesome invention. A machine that watches where you’re going for you!”

  Fauna rolled her eyes. “You’re entering the Make-a-Great Invention Contest? You’ve already lost. We’re gonna win.”

  “Are you kidding?” I replied. “I have my suitcase packed. And I’m learning the Preppy Prep Prep school song.”

  I started to sing the first chorus….

  “Where does everyone keep in step, step, step?

  At Preppy Prep Prep…Preppy Prep Prep…

  We’ve got the P-E-P, and P-E-P spells pep!

  No one is shleppy.

  We’re all just preppy….”

  Flora had her hands clamped over her ears. Fauna was chewing her hair.

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “You two won’t have to hear that song again. Because you’ll be staying here at Rotten School. My dudes and I will be keeping in step, step, step at Preppy Prep Prep.”

  I started to sing again.

  Flora gave me a hard punch in the stomach that stopped the song in mid-Prep.

  “What’s your great invention, Bernie?” Fauna asked.

  “Think I’d tell YOU?” I said. “You’d steal it in a second!”

  “He doesn’t have an idea,” Flora told her sister. They both snickered. The Peevish twins have a nasty snicker.

  “Well, what’s your brilliant idea?” I asked.

  “Flora and I have an awesome invention,” Fauna said. “But we don’t know if the other girls will like it.”

  They both stuck their hands out. They were each holding a long broomstick.

  I laughed. “Are you going to fly those to dinner tonight?”

  They both rolled their eyes. “Not brooms,” Flora said. “Look.” They held them higher. At the end of each broomstick was a large, white hand.

  “It’s a Reacher,” Fauna said. “The hand opens and closes.”

  I squinted at them. “A Reacher?”

  “Yeah. For reaching things on a high shelf
,” she answered. “You stretch out the stick, the hand grabs the thing that’s up high, and you can pull it down.”

  “Not bad,” I said.

  “And it was all my idea,” Flora said.

  “No way!” Fauna cried. “I thought of it first!”

  “You’re dreaming!” Flora cried. “I invented it.”

  “No—me!”

  “Liar!”

  “Double liar!”

  “OWWW!”

  Fauna swung her broomstick and slapped Flora in the face with the big, white hand.

  Flora swung her broomstick and slapped Fauna.

  SLAP!

  “OWWW!”

  SLAP!

  “OWWW!”

  They were slapping each other silly with the big hands.

  “Maybe you should call them Slappers,” I said.

  SLAAAP. SLAAP!

  I waved good-bye and walked away. And there stood April-May June in front of the girls’ dorm. April-May June, the blondest, cutest, blue-eyed-iest girl on campus.

  My girlfriend.

  If only she didn’t pretend she didn’t like me! If only she wasn’t so shy when I was around.

  “April-May!” I called. “April-May—wait up!”

  She turned and started to run.

  See? I told you she was shy.

  Chapter 6

  APRIL-MAY MAKES IT RAIN

  April-May ran straight into a brick dorm wall. I had her trapped. She crossed her arms in front of her. “What do you want, Bernie?”