The Rottenest Angel Read online

  Angel was taking all my friends—and my enemies, too!

  I had no choice. I had to prove to everyone what a bad-news dude Angel really was. If I didn’t, I’d be sitting in rain puddles for the rest of the year.

  Wait a minute!

  Suddenly I had a plan.

  Chapter 15

  HOW TO TRAP AN ANGEL

  First I had to get my best buddies, Feenman and Crench, back on my side. I had to show them the truth about Angel!

  While Angel was out, hanging at the girls’ dorm, I got a big bag of Nutty Nutty Candy Bars and carried it across the hall to their room. “Dudes, check it out!” I said.

  I held open the bag. They each made a grab. I had to slap their hands away. “Look—don’t touch!” I said.

  “Bernie, aren’t you going to give them to us?” Crench asked. “Angel gave us Nutty Nutty Bars for free.”

  The word free made me choke. Feenman had to slap me on the back.

  “No way I’m giving them to you,” I said. “This is proof, dudes. Proof that Angel is a sneak and a thief.”

  “Bernie, give it a rest,” Feenman said, shaking his head. “Everyone likes Angel.”

  “Are you going to let me prove it to you or not?” I asked.

  They stared at the bag of candy. And they both started to drool. “What do we have to do?” Crench asked, wiping his chin with one hand.

  “I’m gonna wait till Lights Out,” I said. “Then I’ll put this bag on my windowsill and pretend to go to sleep. You guys will hide in my closet. Then—”

  “Huh? What did you just say?” Feenman asked. “Hide in your closet after Lights Out?”

  “If Mrs. Heinie catches us—” Crench started.

  “She won’t catch you,” I said. “You hide in the closet, and you watch. I’m betting that Angel steals the bag of candy off the windowsill and hides it somewhere.”

  “He isn’t a thief,” Crench said. “No way.”

  “You’re wrong this time, Bernie,” Feenman said. He made another grab for the candy bars. I had to slap his hand away again.

  Every night before Lights Out Mrs. Heinie comes into each room. She shakes hands and says good night to every boy in the dorm. It’s an old Rotten School tradition.

  Tonight she shook Angel’s hand and gave him a warm smile. “How are you boys getting along?” she asked him.

  Angel returned her smile. “Like brothers,” he said. “Bernie and I are best friends for life!”

  Mrs. Heinie tucked him into his bed. Then she walked over to my cot and shook my hand. “Angel is a good boy,” she said. “I hope you are learning from him, Bernie.”

  “We’re all learning a lot from him, Mrs. H.,” I said. “I wish there were ten more Angels in the dorm. Or maybe twenty. Then we could all be good all the time.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Give me a break,” she muttered.

  She started toward my buddies’ room across the hall—and I realized I had to think fast. Feenman and Crench weren’t in their room. They were hiding in my closet.

  “Mrs. H., don’t go in there,” I called.

  She squinted at me through her thick glasses. “Why not?”

  “The smell,” I said. “It’s bad in there. Something died in that room about a week ago. And we can’t find it. Feenman and Crench and Belzer are wearing gas masks. Don’t go in. I know you have a very sensitive nose.”

  She frowned at me. “That’s ridiculous.” She started to open their door.

  “They can’t shake hands,” I said. “They all have a bad skin rash. They’ve scratched all their skin off. Their hands are itching and oozing green and yellow stuff. Really, Mrs. H., you don’t want to catch it.”

  She thought about that for a second. “Okay. Tell them I said good night.” She clicked off the lights in my room.

  I shut my eyes and listened to her footsteps as she climbed the stairs to her room in the attic. Bernie B.’s fast thinking saves the day again!

  The closet door stood open an inch. I flashed Feenman and Crench a thumbs-up. “Good night, best friend,” Angel said, yawning.

  “Good night, Angel,” I said. “Sweet dreams. And I mean sweet. Sweet as candy!” I glanced at the big bag of candy bars on the windowsill.

  I knew Angel wouldn’t be able to resist it. I knew he’d sneak out of bed in the darkness to steal my candy. And Feenman and Crench would see the truth about him.

  I shut my eyes and pretended to go to sleep. I started to snore softly. I knew Angel wouldn’t wait long.

  Sure enough, a few minutes later he sat up. I watched him climb out of bed. I had my eyes closed to tiny slits. But I could see him perfectly. I watched him silently tiptoe across the room.

  Yes. Yes! The little thief was falling for my trap!

  YES!

  Chapter 16

  SCARED STIFF

  I raised my head from the pillow. I knew Feenman and Crench were watching. I tensed my muscles and got ready to jump up. As soon as Angel grabbed the candy, I planned to race across the room and flash on the light.

  I watched him tiptoe…tiptoe.

  Hey. Wait. He didn’t go to the windowsill. He tiptoed out of the room.

  “Bernie, where’s he going?” Crench called from the closet.

  “Shh!” I warned. “Quiet. He’ll be back in a few seconds. And he’ll grab the candy. Just watch.”

  “I’m getting a leg cramp in here,” Feenman said.

  “I’m getting a foot cramp!” Crench whispered.

  “That’s not your foot—that’s mine!” Feenman said.

  “Well, whose leg is this?” Crench said. “I can’t tell in the dark.”

  “Quiet,” I whispered. “Here he comes. He’s back. Just keep your eyes on him.”

  Squinting, I saw Angel step into the doorway.

  The light flashed on.

  Uh-oh. He had Mrs. Heinie with him. “You just had a bad dream,” she told Angel.

  “It wasn’t a dream,” Angel said in a tiny voice. “I heard weird noises in the closet, Mrs. Heinie.”

  “Don’t be afraid,” Mrs. Heinie said.

  I watched Angel cling to her arm. He was trembling. “There’s a monster in there. I know there is! I heard it,” he said. “I’m scared. Scared stiff! I’m totally scared!”

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Mrs. Heinie said. “Here. I’ll show you.”

  She pulled open the closet door.

  Feenman and Crench came stumbling out.

  “Huh? What’s going on here?” she cried. “What are you DOING in there?”

  My two buddies stood there with their eyes bulging and their mouths hanging open. I knew I had to come to their rescue.

  “Uh…I can explain,” I said, jumping out of bed. I adjusted my pajama pants.

  Think fast, Bernie. Think FAST.

  “You see, Mrs. H., they get a little cramped with Belzer in that tiny room of theirs,” I said. “So sometimes they like to stretch out in my closet.”

  “HUMPH!” Mrs. Heinie exclaimed. It was a powerful HUMPH! It almost blew me over.

  “I should have known this was your idea, Bernie,” she said. “Why were you trying to scare Angel like that?”

  She didn’t give me a chance to answer. She marched Feenman, Crench, and me downstairs. She gave us a half-hour lecture. “Why can’t you all be as good as Angel Goodeboy?” she asked.

  I gritted my teeth and slunk back up to my room. Angel was tucked into his bed, sound asleep. I glanced at the windowsill.

  Of course. Big surprise. The bag of candy bars was GONE.

  Chapter 17

  WILL THE PEA SOUP FLY?

  “I know what Angel’s next plan is,” I said. “I know his next dirty trick.”

  We were hanging out at the statue of I. B. Rotten, our school’s founder. I was sitting on Rotten’s head. Feenman and Crench were filling in his eyes with black markers.

  “Give it a rest, Bernie,” Crench said. “You’re just gonna get us into more trouble. Angel is a good
guy. Everyone likes him.”

  “He’s fooling everyone,” I said. “Even you two guys.”

  Feenman painted big, black nostrils on the statue’s nose. “I. B. Rotten is looking GOOD!” he said.

  “Listen to me,” I said. “I’m gonna prove what a bad dude Angel is. He’s serving the soup in the Dining Hall tonight. So guess what he says to me? He says, ‘Bernie, I hate carrying that big soup pot around. I get so totally nervous. I hope I don’t spill any on you.’”

  My two buddies stared at me. Feenman shrugged. “So?”

  “Don’t you see what he was saying?” I cried. “He was getting me ready. Tonight at dinner he’s going to pretend to trip. And he’s going to spill hot soup all over me.”

  Crench grabbed my shoulder. “Bernie, that’s crazy talk,” he said.

  “No, it isn’t,” I insisted. “Then Angel will act really sorry and pretend it was a terrible accident. I’ll be covered in hot soup. But he’ll get everyone feeling sorry for HIM!”

  “Bernie, he’d never do that,” Crench said. “You’re making this all up.”

  Feenman painted a third nostril on I. B. Rotten’s nose. “You’ve gotta lighten up about Angel,” he said. “You’re totally losing it.”

  “You’ll see,” I said. “You’ll see tonight at dinner.”

  I was going to wear a rain slicker to dinner. That would spoil Angel’s plan. But I decided against it. I wanted everyone in school to see what a bad dude he was.

  The Dining Hall is a huge room with three long tables—one for each dorm. I took my seat at the Rotten House table. I didn’t eat. I kept my eyes on Angel.

  He walked up and down, ladling out soup from an enormous pot. The pot was almost as big as Angel. But he was doing a perfect job.

  I knew he was getting ready for me. Getting ready for the “accident” that would cover me in soup.

  “May I sit here?”

  I heard a voice at my side. I turned to see Mrs. Heinie squinting at me through her thick glasses. “Is this seat empty?” She sat down. She picked up her soup spoon. “I hear that Chef Baloney’s pea soup is to die for!” she said.

  “Yeah. I’m the one who will be dying,” I muttered. “You watch, Mrs. Heinie. I know you think Angel is an angel. But just watch.”

  “Watch what?” she asked.

  Angel was making his way down our table. Closer…closer…

  “He’s gonna pretend to trip, and he’ll pour hot pea soup all over me,” I said. “Just watch. Maybe you’ll change your mind about Angel.”

  “Bernie, that’s crazy!” she said. “Totally crazy.”

  “Here he comes,” I said. “Just watch….”

  Chapter 18

  SPLOOOOSH! PLOPPPPP!

  Angel held the big pot in front of him. I could see the pea soup inside it, boiling hot, thick and lumpy and bright green.

  He ladled out a big bowl for Feenman. Then he served soup to Crench and Belzer. But I could see he had his eyes on me.

  “Here it comes,” I said through gritted teeth.

  Angel moved up behind me. He dipped the ladle into the big, steaming pot. He took a step…then another.

  Whoa. Wait!

  He didn’t trip. He didn’t do it. I knew he planned to fake a fall. I knew he planned to pour the soup over me. But he didn’t do it.

  He raised the ladle.

  He was trying to trick me.

  I couldn’t let him get away with it. Not with everyone watching.

  I stuck my foot out.

  “HEY!” Angel let out a startled cry. He stumbled over my shoe.

  The pea soup flew from the pot in a steaming, green tidal wave.

  I ducked.

  I heard a loud splash.

  SPLOOOOSH.

  Then I heard a wet

  PLOPPPPP.

  Then I heard Mrs. Heinie’s scream.

  “YAAAAAIIIII!”

  I whipped around and saw the pea soup oozing down her hair, her face, her dress.

  I picked some chunks from her hair. “I told you!” I said. “See? I told you!”

  Mrs. Heinie jumped to her feet. She pulled off her glasses. Then she tried to wipe the thick, green gunk off them. “Bernie, you—you—you TRIPPED Angel!” she sputtered. “I saw you!”

  “Huh? No way!” I said. “It was all his plan. He told me he was gonna trip and spill the soup. By the way, Mrs. H., you look great in green. It’s really your color.”

  “Shut your fat gob,” she replied. She wiped thick pea gunk off her neck and shoulders. “I saw you trip him,” she said.

  “I’m so sorry!” Angel cried. He still held the pot in front of him. “It wasn’t Bernie’s fault. Don’t blame him. I’m just so clumsy. I’ll never forgive myself.”

  He started to bang his head against the side of the soup pot. “I was bad! I was bad! I was BAD!” he chanted.

  Through the pea soup, Mrs. Heinie smiled at Angel. “He’s so sweet. He’s trying to protect you, Bernie. But it won’t work. I saw you trip him.”

  She grabbed my hand. “Let’s have a talk with Headmaster Upchuck. “Let’s GO!” she said, pulling me away.

  “Go?” I said. “But I didn’t get my soup!”

  Chapter 19

  HIGH-STAKES UNO

  “Upchuck gave me one more chance,” I told Feenman and Crench later that night. “Just in case it really was an accident.”

  “Now what are you going to do?” Feenman asked. “Are you going to give Angel a break?” He bit off a big chunk of Nutty Nutty Bar. They were both chomping on candy bars.

  “Where’d you get those?” I asked.

  CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP. “Angel is giving them away again,” Feenman said. “What an awesome dude!”

  I stomped back to my room and dropped down onto my pitiful cot. I felt so angry, steam poured from my ears. My head was ticking, like a time bomb ready to explode.

  I was about to get kicked out of school, thanks to Angel. And now he ruled Rotten House. The whole Rotten SCHOOL.

  Everyone loved him. Even my best friends. No one believed that he was a bad dude.

  I shut my eyes and tried to think.

  How could I make Mrs. Heinie believe me about Angel?

  Well…what if she caught Angel doing something really bad?

  Hmmm…Think, Big B. Think.…

  Suddenly, I had a new plan. A better plan!

  I remembered…tomorrow night…Sherman Oaks was having a high-stakes Uno game. No one could get into the game for less than ten dollars a round.

  What if Mrs. Heinie caught Angel gambling?

  If she caught Angel sneaking out after Lights Out and gambling at Uno, then she’d know he wasn’t an angel!

  Yes! I’ll bring Angel to the game. He’ll want to show off to the other guys. He thinks he’s king of the school now.

  And I’ll make sure Mrs. Heinie catches him with a big stack of ten-dollar bills.

  Perfect.

  No. Wait.

  Not perfect.

  The Bernie B. brain was still chugging.

  I had a better plan. Yes. MUCH better.

  “I’m taking Angel to the Uno game tomorrow night after Lights Out,” I told Feenman.

  He stared at me. “You’re gonna get him into big trouble so he’ll be kicked out of school?”

  I shook my head. “No way. Would I do that to him? I’m gonna get ME into big trouble!”

  His mouth dropped open. “But if you get into big trouble, how will that help you get rid of Angel?”

  I patted him on the shoulder. “You’ll see,” I said. “You’ll see….”

  Chapter 20

  TELL ME ANOTHER ONE

  “This is so totally awesome!” Angel whispered. “I’ve never played cards before. Bernie, you’ll have to show me which end to hold.”

  “No problem,” I whispered back.

  Like I believed him. Hah.

  “You’ll probably win a hundred dollars,” I said, leading him across the grass. “You’ll clean us all out.”


  He laughed. “I just want to play for the fun of it. Not for the money.”

  Tell me another one, Angel. Wow. This guy could lie!

  A bright half-moon shone down on us. It was nearly midnight. The trees were still. The grass glowed with dew.

  Sherman Oaks and his pals were waiting behind the Student Center. He had set up a card table and some lights.

  Sherman was already shuffling the Uno cards. “Ten dollars,” he said, holding out his hand. “It’s ten dollars to get into the game.”

  “This is so totally exciting!” Angel exclaimed. “Look at me. I can barely breathe!”

  He took the cards away from Sherman and started shuffling them. “What do you say we make twos and threes wild and jokers high?” he said.

  I started to get the idea that maybe Angel had played cards before.

  Guess what? He won the first hand. And the second hand. After about an hour he had a big stack of ten-dollar bills on the table.

  “Beginner’s luck,” he said. “That’s all it is. Just beginner’s luck.” He shuffled the Uno cards again.

  Time to get down to business. I slipped away and called Mrs. Heinie on my cell phone. I disguised my voice. I told her I was a concerned citizen. I said there was a card game going on behind the Student Center.

  Then I went back to the game. This isn’t gonna be pretty, I told myself.

  Mrs. Heinie came bursting up to us just as Angel won yet again. This time she let out a HUMPH that nearly blew over the card table.

  “Angel! I’m SHOCKED at you!” she screamed. “I-I-I can’t believe YOU’RE here after Lights Out, gambling with these boys!”

  Angel’s mouth dropped open. “Huh? Gambling? Bernie told me they were raising money for the animal shelter in town!”

  Good one, huh?

  Mrs. Heinie spun around to me. “Bernie, I knew you were at fault! Angel was a good boy until he met you! Look what you’ve done to him.”