How to Be a Vampire Read online

  He was hanging by his knees from his clothes rod!

  Emily and his mom weren’t upside down. He was!

  “Get down, Andrew,” Emily demanded.

  Andrew tried. But he discovered that he couldn’t move his arms. They were pinned to his sides by his blanket, which was wrapped tightly around his shoulders. How did this happen? Could he have wrapped himself up like this?

  Andrew struggled. Finally he freed his arms from the blanket. He lowered himself to the floor.

  “Andrew?” his mom said. “Were you in there the whole night?”

  “Yeah,” Andrew said slowly. “See . . . it’s sort of like . . . practicing for . . . survival training.”

  His mom’s eyes narrowed. “Hanging by your knees in your closet? How is that supposed to help you survive?”

  “Well, you know,” Andrew said. “In case I was ever in the woods and I had to sleep hanging from a tree branch or—”

  “Give me a break!” Emily cut in.

  His mom reached out and felt his forehead. “No temperature,” she said, tilting her head as she glanced at him. “I thought maybe you had a high fever with hallucinations.”

  “I’m okay, Mom,” Andrew said. “Really.” He wished it were true! “I’ll get ready for school really fast, okay? Ten minutes.”

  “You better,” Emily growled at him.

  His mother shook her head. “All right,” she said. “I have to be at work early today. Don’t keep your sister waiting.”

  “No way,” Andrew told her. “Don’t worry.”

  He shooed his mom and Emily out of his room.

  He shut the door. Then he leaned on it, his mind racing.

  This can’t be happening! he thought. But it is! I’m really turning into a vampire!

  Andrew dove for his backpack. He yanked out How to Be a Vampire. He flipped madly through its pages. He was becoming a vampire! He had to know more about the vampire rules. But . . . no! The pages were blank!

  “Please!” Andrew begged the unseen hand. “Write something!”

  And as if on command, writing began to appear.

  A mature vampire is a day sleeper. At dawn, he retires to his coffin. There, he may sleep with the lid open or closed.

  As a vampire-in-training, you still sleep at night. It is best for you to sleep in a coffin. If a coffin cannot be found, any small, dark place will do.

  A mature vampire must return to his coffin at daybreak. If this is not possible, a vampire searches for a cave. Or a tree in a dark forest. There, he will hang upside down to sleep, wrapping his wings around his body.

  As a vampire-in-training, you must practice sleeping upside down. If possible, wrap yourself in a sheet or blanket before you go to sleep. This will help you get used to having wings.

  The writing stopped there.

  Andrew started shaking the book.

  “Tell me what I need to know today!” he yelled. “Tell me things before they happen, you stupid book! Not after!”

  What if he broke some serious rule? What if Chapter Four said something like: Any vampire-in-training who says the word “sneaker” will instantly die a horrible death.

  He needed to know what to do. And what not to do. He needed to know now! Before it was too late!

  “Ten minutes are up!” Emily called from downstairs.

  With a groan, Andrew stuffed the book into his backpack. He threw on his clothes and ran down the stairs.

  Emily was waiting at the bottom. “Let’s go,” she said.

  “Hold it,” Andrew said. “I’m starving.”

  Emily followed Andrew into the kitchen. “I cannot believe the torture you put me through in the mornings,” she told him.

  Andrew stuck two pieces of bread into the toaster oven.

  “How did you even think of hanging upside down in your closet?” Emily continued. “What is wrong with your brain?”

  Andrew wasn’t listening. He was spreading jam on his toast. Beautiful bright red jam. He sank his teeth into the toast. Mmmm! He couldn’t remember anything tasting this delicious, ever!

  “We’re leaving now!” Emily declared. She grabbed him by his shirt collar. She began dragging him out of the kitchen. Andrew crammed the rest of his toast into his mouth. He barely had time to grab his backpack off the floor.

  Outside, Emily let go and marched ahead of him. Andrew shielded his eyes from the sun. He saw lots of kids waiting for the bus. He stopped. He couldn’t get on the bus! If he did, it couldn’t cross Winding Brook. It would get stuck again.

  “Emily!” Andrew shouted. “I’m riding my bike!”

  Without waiting for her answer, Andrew turned and ran for the garage. He’d take the long way to school, around the pond. Tossing his backpack into his basket, he hopped on his bike and took off.

  Andrew steered down his driveway. He pedaled hard, gathering speed for the hill ahead. He’d never gone this fast before. He shot up the hill, then down. He whizzed along the street. Lampposts and street signs blurred as he passed. He felt the wind against his face as he rode.

  “Whooooeeee!” he yelled.

  How fast could he go? he wondered. He pedaled harder. He rocketed along the streets of Shadyside, whizzing through intersections, zooming around corners. He wasn’t even breathing hard. He wasn’t panting. Nothing to it! And then he knew. He had supernatural strength! There was no other way to explain it.

  There was no other way he could have gotten to Hawthorne Drive so quickly. He’d almost reached his school. A few teachers’ cars were parked in the lot. But not the bus. He’d beaten the bus!

  “All right!” Andrew cried. He sped toward the school.

  He’d beaten Emily! All her rushing him around, and now he was here first! He couldn’t wait until she spotted him! He couldn’t wait to see her face!

  Andrew hopped off his bike at the curb. He guided it over to the bike rack. He began putting on his bike lock.

  “Are you crazy?” someone called.

  Andrew glanced up. He saw T.J. running toward him.

  “Hey, T.J.!” Andrew said. “Guess what? I beat—”

  But T.J. didn’t wait to hear. He grabbed Andrew by the elbow. He dragged him inside the front door of the school.

  “Are you trying to kill yourself?” T.J. asked. He held Andrew’s arm. He dragged him down to the boys’ room. He pulled him inside. He shoved Andrew in front of a mirror.

  “Look!” T.J. cried.

  Andrew kept his eyes glued to the floor. He was afraid to look.

  “Look!” T.J. said again. “Look what you’ve done!”

  Slowly Andrew raised his eyes to the mirror.

  He gasped!

  10

  The skin on Andrew’s face glowed bright pink. His freckles had turned into blazing red dots. He looked like a total freak!

  Andrew put his hands to his cheeks. He thought they’d feel feverish. But his skin was cold. Cold and clammy.

  “What’s happening to me?” he whispered.

  “It’s the sunlight, jerk,” T.J. said. “Vampires can’t be out in it. Remember? Let me check your neck.”

  Andrew tilted his head. T.J. studied his bite marks.

  “Still there,” T.J. declared. “So you’re not a real vampire yet. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

  T.J. scurried out of the boys’ room. When he came back, he had an armload of clothes.

  “I raided the Lost and Found.” He dropped everything on the floor except for a navy blue hooded sweatshirt. That he handed to Andrew. “Put this on.”

  Andrew did.

  “What’s wrong with you anyway?” T.J. pulled the sweatshirt hood up over Andrew’s head. “Yesterday you ate garlic. Today you almost fried yourself.” He tightened the cord inside the hood until only a small circle of Andrew’s face showed.

  “T.J., I have to breathe!” Andrew objected.

  T.J. loosened the cord. But not much. “You’re almost a vampire,” he added as he began tying a bow. “Act like one!”

  T.J.
stuck a floppy yellow rain hat over the sweatshirt hood. He handed Andrew a pair of white plastic sunglasses. “Sorry,” he said. “It was the only pair in the Lost and Found.”

  Andrew put on the sunglasses. He turned toward the mirror. He looked like a deranged tourist, ready for rain or shine.

  “You think Mr. Landis will let me into English class like this?” Andrew asked.

  T.J. looked thoughtful. “Talk with an accent,” he suggested. “Maybe he’ll think you’re a new student from some other country.”

  “From some other planet,” Andrew said glumly.

  “I know!” T.J. said. “Tell him you have sun poisoning. It’s a real disease. My uncle Henry used to get it.”

  “And it’s the truth,” Andrew pointed out. “Sort of.”

  T.J. handed him a pair of black wool gloves.

  “Every day you’re becoming more of a vampire,” T.J. warned. “Pretty soon the sun will destroy you.” He snapped his fingers. “Instantly! It’ll turn you to dust!”

  “You mean . . . I can’t ever go out in the daytime?” Fear showed in Andrew’s face. “I’ll never be able to go to the beach? I’ll never be able to go swimming?”

  “Swimming might be okay,” T.J. said. “In an indoor pool.”

  “T.J.!” Andrew cried. “I don’t want to be a vampire! Help me! Please! There has to be a way to turn this thing around!”

  T.J. shook his head. “I don’t think so,” he said. “Anyway, I can’t wait until you’re a real vampire!”

  Andrew drew back from his friend. “Why?” he asked.

  “Because then you can make me one!” T.J. explained. “It’ll be great! We can hang out together all night and play pranks! We’ll scare people out of their minds! And flying! Think about it, Andrew! Flying is going to be so cool!”

  Andrew smiled weakly. Okay, if he was becoming a vampire, he might as well think about the good parts. He knew who he’d scare out of her mind. Emily! Miss Know-It-All thought Alien Slime from Mars was scary. But that was nothing. Not compared to how scared she was going to be when a couple of bats flew in her window!

  Andrew thought some more. His smile faded. Scaring Emily was one good thing about becoming a vampire. The only one!

  T.J. put up a hand as the first bell rang. “Hey, Andrew! Give me a high five!” he said. Then he added in his best Draculese: “Beink a vampire ees goink to be vunderful!”

  * * *

  That night Andrew lay in his bed. But he couldn’t sleep. His mind kept replaying the day. What a horrible day! He’d walked around Shadyside Middle School looking like an idiot. In class kids pointed at him and shrieked with laughter. When he walked down the hall, kids punched their friends and said, “Hey, look! That guy in the goofy sunglasses! That’s Andrew Griffin!”

  It had been a long, miserable day.

  Andrew turned over. Maybe it was his bed. Maybe he couldn’t sleep in a bed anymore. But he wasn’t ready to go into his closet. Not yet. He was worn out. But he wasn’t sleepy.

  Andrew threw back his covers. Maybe a snack would help. Milk and cookies. Andrew tiptoed downstairs. He tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t wake his mom. She was worried about him. About his red face. About him sleeping in the closet. He didn’t want to worry her anymore. At least not yet. Not until he had to break the big news. Hey, Mom? Guess what? I’m a vampire!

  In the front hallway, Andrew shivered. His mom always turned the heat down at night. He began rummaging around in the hall closet, looking for a sweater.

  But he found something better than a sweater. Much better! An old cape of his mother’s. A long, black cape. Cool!

  Andrew carried the cape into the kitchen. The nearly full moon shone in through the big windows. He didn’t even need to turn on the light. Andrew put the cape around his shoulders. His mom never wore it anymore. He didn’t think she’d mind him trying it on. He fastened the silver clasp.

  Wow! The cape seemed to give him a blast of energy! He wished he were outside on his bike. He wanted to ride, to feel that burst of speed again.

  Before he realized what he was doing, Andrew began running around the kitchen table. He flapped his arms up and down. He felt light. Lighter than air. Almost as if he were flying. Any second, he might take off!

  “Andrew!” Emily’s voice boomed into the kitchen.

  Andrew caught a glimpse of her, standing in the doorway.

  He grinned and pretended not to see her. He kept running and flapping. He circled the table again. Then he leapt at Emily.

  “Hey!” she cried, backing away. “Cut it out!”

  Andrew veered away from her and circled the table again. Then he lunged over and stopped right in front of her. He stared into her eyes. He felt a rush of energy coming from his own eyes. A power so strong that it startled him. And the strange thing was—he wanted to use it. He wanted to put Emily into a trance!

  “Stop!” Emily cried. She glanced away. “I swear, if you ever do this vampire act in front of my friends, I’ll murder you!”

  Andrew felt himself power-down then. Without her eyes meeting his, the rush of energy left him.

  As it did, Andrew started trembling. He realized he was standing in the kitchen. He was wearing his mom’s old cape. Over his pajamas! And he had tried to put his sister into a trance! A vampire trance!

  He hadn’t meant to do any of those things. It was as if he were the one in the trance. Not Emily. He was the one doing strange things.

  A wave of tiredness swept over Andrew then. He brushed by Emily as he walked to the front hallway.

  Emily followed him. “Andrew?” she said. “What now?”

  He didn’t answer. He simply hung up his mom’s cape and headed up the stairs.

  “Andrew!” Emily called after him. “I’ve had it with this vampire stuff. I’m not kidding!”

  Andrew locked the door to his room. Then he set himself up inside his closet. The same way he had the night before. It wasn’t easy, hanging by his knees and trying to wrap himself up in his blanket. But at last he managed it.

  He hung there for a long time, thinking.

  He started to doze, when he heard a noise.

  The door to his room creaked open. Someone was there! In his room!

  He heard footsteps. Closer and closer. Andrew held his breath. He felt the pounding of his heart.

  His mom had been asleep when he came upstairs. But Emily wasn’t, Andrew realized. It was only Emily. She must have picked the lock.

  “Beat it, Emily!” he shouted through the closet door.

  Emily didn’t answer.

  “I’m not kidding, Emily!” Andrew yelled. “Go away!”

  “I’m not Emily,” a low voice answered.

  It didn’t sound much like Emily.

  The closet door swung open.

  “Noooo!” Andrew choked on his scream. “Noooo!”

  11

  A vampire stood in front of Andrew.

  A real vampire!

  Andrew still hung upside down. But he could tell the vampire was old. Really old. And sort of hunched over. What hair he had was slicked back on his narrow head. He wore a long, black cape. In the moonlight Andrew saw his pale skin. His red lips. His burning red eyes.

  Andrew tried to scream again. But he was too frightened.

  “Get down,” the vampire said, his voice now high and scratchy.

  But Andrew couldn’t move. His blood had frozen in his veins.

  “Come on, kid!” the vampire urged. “Don’t take all night.”

  Andrew let go. He fell off the hanging rod. Then he scrambled to his feet.

  “Step out here,” the vampire ordered. “Let me take a look.”

  Andrew tried to walk to the middle of his room. But he was shaking so much. He didn’t know if he could make it.

  The vampire circled Andrew, examining him in the moonlight. He put his face close to Andrew’s. Andrew saw his red-veined eyes. His dark, stained teeth. Andrew felt his stomach lurch as he breathed in. The vampire smelled like ol
d, spoiled meat.

  The vampire stopped circling. “You are so small,” he observed. “So puny.” He shook his head, clearly disappointed. “I’ll have to work overtime to make you worthy of the Dark Gift.”

  “The what?” Andrew asked.

  “The Dark Gift.” The vampire gave Andrew a grave look. “The honor of becoming one of us. A vampire.”

  “I don’t want to be a vampire!” Andrew cried. “You better give the gift to somebody else.”

  “I never make mistakes in choosing my victims. Never! Not once in six hundred years!” The vampire sighed. “I have my work cut out for me here. I can see that. But in the end . . .” He smiled. “In the end, kid, you’ll be a vampire I can be proud of!”

  “But I don’t . . .” Andrew began.

  The vampire’s eyes flashed angrily. “Stand up straight!” he commanded. “No more chitchat.”

  Andrew straightened up. It wasn’t easy. His legs shook under him. His heart thundered in his chest.

  The vampire circled him, checking him out.

  Dozens more questions popped into Andrew’s mind. Did he dare ask them? The vampire said no talking.

  Andrew couldn’t help himself. “Excuse me, sir?” he said.

  “What?” the vampire snapped.

  “D-d-did you leave that book under my bed?” Andrew asked. “The one called How to Be a Vampire?”

  “You figured that out all by yourself?” The vampire rolled his red eyes.

  Andrew felt foolish. But he had another question. He put his hand to his neck. “And you bit me too. Right?”

  “What are you, a genius?” The vampire shook his head. “Of course I left you the book. Of course I bit you.” He raised a fist and knocked on Andrew’s head. “Hello? Anybody in there?”

  Andrew ducked away from the vampire. “What do I call you?”

  The vampire sniffed. “I am Count Ved,” he said. “Count Humphrey Ved.”

  “Humphrey?” Andrew said, surprised.

  “Why not?” The vampire shrugged. “But you keep on calling me sir. Now, show me your teeth.”

  Andrew’s lips trembled as he drew them back from his teeth.