Dudes, the School Is Haunted! Read online

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Do you still weigh yourself every morning to make sure you’re the biggest, meanest fourth grader?”

  “Yeah. Of course,” Sweety replied.

  “Well, then,” I said, “you can tell if the ghost is after you. It uses its spirit powers to make you lose weight.”

  Sweety’s mouth dropped open. “Huh? Lose weight?”

  “That’s the first sign,” I said.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Feenman said. “The ghost only goes after Joes who are left-handed.”

  “But…but…” Sweety sputtered. “I’M left-handed!”

  “Don’t even think about it,” I said. “It’s just a dumb legend. Forget we even mentioned it.”

  Sweety nodded. His chin was trembling. He turned and hopped out of the gym on his good foot.

  Feenman and I laughed. We touched knuckles and did the secret Rotten House Handshake.

  “Did you see the look on his face?” Feenman said. “He’s terrified.”

  “Call that terrified?” I said. “Bernie B. hasn’t even started yet!”

  Chapter 12

  THE GHOST IN THE COMPUTER

  After classes I hurried back to Rotten House. I had a lot more plotting and scheming to do.

  I stashed my backpack in my room. Then I ran downstairs to see Billy the Brain.

  Billy is the smartest dude at Rotten School. He’s so smart, he does crossword puzzles without even looking at the clues!

  Billy works hard for his C-minus grade average. He studies almost half an hour every night.

  That’s awesome, right?

  I needed Billy for Part Two of my plan to haunt Joe Sweety. I found him hunched over his desk, studying hard. He was scribbling frantically into a notebook.

  “What’s up, Brain?” I asked. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m doing my math problems in invisible ink,” Billy said. “Just to make it a little harder.”

  “Cool,” I said.

  I told you the dude is a genius!

  “We’re haunting Joe Sweety,” I told him. “We want to get revenge for Chipmunk.”

  He grinned. “Nice!”

  “I have a job for you. Can you hack into Sweety’s computer?” I asked.

  “No prob,” Billy said.

  “Here’s what I want,” I said. “When he turns on his computer, I want him to see two huge, scary black eyes staring out of the screen at him.”

  “No prob,” Billy said.

  “And then Sweety hears a whisper: ‘I’m coming…. I’m coming for you!’”

  “No prob,” Billy said. “That’s too easy. I’ll get it going tonight.”

  His smile faded. “I just have one problem with my computer, Bernie,” he said.

  “Problem?” I said.

  “It’s this foot pedal. The cord is too short. It doesn’t reach the floor.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Foot pedal?” I cried. “Billy, that’s not a foot pedal. That’s the mouse!”

  “Oh,” Billy replied. “I kept trying to step on it.”

  I squinted hard at him. “Are you sure you can do this ghost thing?”

  “No prob,” Billy said. “We’ll scare him to death, Bernie. I promise.”

  I went back up to my room with a smile on my face. But the smile didn’t last long. Joe Sweety stood in the doorway to my room—and he didn’t look happy.

  He grabbed the front of my shirt and lifted me off the floor. “Get ready to meet Mr. Fist and Mr. OTHER Fist!” he boomed. “I know the truth, Bernie. There is no Nyce House ghost!”

  Chapter 13

  ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH

  “Huh?” I gasped. “Put me down, Joe. Please. You’re wrinkling my skin! I hate wrinkled skin.”

  “Admit it!” Sweety roared. “There is no ghost. The guys at my dorm said you were just trying to scare me.”

  Think fast, Bernie. Think fast!

  “Uh…who were you talking to?” I stammered.

  “Sherman Oaks and Wes Updood and my friends at Nyce House,” Sweety said. “They said they never heard of a ghost that goes after Joes. They said there’s no ghost that makes people lose weight. They said you made it up.”

  “Well…”

  Sweety lifted me higher. “Is it true you made it up?”

  “Yes, it’s true,” I said.

  He dropped me to the floor. I rubbed my sore chest. “You listen to your friends, Joe,” I said. “Don’t listen to me.”

  He narrowed his little round eyes at me. “My friends are right?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. “Don’t listen to me. Your friends are all geniuses, right? I don’t know anything.”

  He stood there, breathing hard, staring at me. I could picture his pea brain spinning in his skull. I had him totally confused now. He didn’t know what to think.

  “Forget the whole thing,” I said. “Your friends are right. No way could it be true.”

  “You’re lying—aren’t you?” Sweety said. “It is true!”

  “No, Joe. Don’t believe a word I said. There is no ghost. Listen to your friends.”

  “You’re lying! There is a ghost!” Sweety cried. “You’re lying. I can tell. There is a ghost—and it’s after me!”

  He went screaming down the stairs.

  Man! This was too easy!

  Chapter 14

  SWEETY LOSES WEIGHT

  The next morning I woke up, stretched, and smiled at the big poster on my wall. The poster of ME smiling back at me. It always starts my day off right.

  My friend Belzer brought in breakfast. Belzer brings me breakfast in bed every morning. Good kid, Belzer. But sometimes the toast is too crunchy, and I have to send him back for more.

  “Belzer, did you sneak into Joe Sweety’s room at Nyce House?” I asked.

  He nodded as he poured my orange juice.

  “And did you turn his scale back?” I asked.

  Belzer nodded again. “I turned Sweety’s scale back five pounds. When he weighs himself, he’ll think he lost five pounds.”

  “Turn his scale back five pounds every morning,” I said. “He’ll be terrified. He’ll think the ghost is shrinking him.”

  I squinted at Belzer. “What’s that T-shirt you’re wearing under your blazer? Let me see it.”

  He opened his blazer. I read what it said on his T-shirt: DON’T BLAME ME. I WAS BORN LIKE THIS.

  I shook my head sadly. “Belzer, that’s a loser T-shirt,” I said.

  He stared at me. “Do you think so?”

  After breakfast, I ran into Joe Sweety on my way to classes.

  “Are you okay, dude?” I asked. “You look kinda skinny.”

  Joe’s chin quivered. He kept blinking very fast and licking his lips. “Bernie, I…I lost five pounds!” he stammered.

  I shook my head. “No way,” I said. “Five pounds? How weird is that?”

  “The…the ghost…” Joe murmured.

  “You still believe in that ghost thing?” I asked.

  “It’s after me, Bernie,” Sweety said.

  “No way,” I said again. “No ghost would come after you, Joe. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Know what I heard? I heard the Nyce House ghost only haunts Joes from Toledo, Ohio. So forget the whole thing.”

  Sweety gasped in horror. “But…but…but…” he sputtered. “I’m from

  I slapped him on the back. “Don’t even think about it,” I said. “It’s a dumb legend—right?”

  “Right,” he said. He staggered away, muttering to himself.

  “We’re off to a good start,” I told myself. “And just wait till tonight!”

  We planned to sneak over to Nyce House. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Joe’s face when he turned on his computer—and saw the ghost staring out at him!”

  Am I brilliant?

  Does a bear eat salami in the woods?

  Chapter 15

  THE GHOST LIVES!

  I couldn’t think about anything else all day. I just kept picturi
ng The Big Sweety booting up his computer and seeing the deep black eyes of the Nyce House ghost in his ROOM!

  That night after dinner I got Feenman, Crench, and Belzer together. “Sweety’s room is on the first floor,” I whispered. “So we can sneak over there and watch the whole thing from outside his window.”

  We all slapped high fives and low fives. Then we touched knuckles and did the secret Rotten House Handshake. We were pumped!

  In a few minutes, we would be watching that big bully Joe Sweety screaming like a baby. Can life get any better than that?

  I stuck my head out the door and peeked down the hall. No sign of Mrs. Heinie. “Let’s go, dudes,” I whispered.

  I was halfway down the stairs when I heard the scream.

  A high, shrill scream of horror that sent a frozen chill down my body.

  “What was THAT?” Crench cried.

  “It…it sounded like Chipmunk,” Belzer said.

  We scrambled to Chipmunk’s room. The door stood open. We burst inside.

  “Chipmunk? Chipper? Are you okay?”

  I looked up and spotted him on the ceiling again.

  He clung to the ceiling light with one hand. His other hand was trembling, pointing down to the laptop on his desk.

  “A g-g-ghost!” he stuttered. “B-Bernie! A ghost! It’s after me! It’s in my computer! See it?”

  “Huh?” I spun around and stared at his laptop screen. “Oh, nooooo,” I moaned.

  Two scary black eyes stared out at me. And I heard a whispered voice from the speakers: “I’m coming…. I’m coming for you!”

  “A ghost! A ghost in my room!” Chipmunk wailed. He had his arms and legs curled around the ceiling light.

  “Chipper dude, that ghost isn’t looking for you,” I told him. “It’s looking for someone else. Don’t worry about it.”

  I turned to my friends. “Get a ladder from the basement,” I said. “Bring Chipmunk down from the ceiling. Try to calm him. Get him some vanilla pudding. That always seems to work. But make sure there are no lumps in it. He’s afraid of the lumps.”

  Then I ran down the hall to Billy the Brain’s room. I found him working a crossword puzzle blindfolded.

  “What went wrong?” I cried. “What went wrong with Sweety’s computer ghost?”

  He tugged off the blindfold and stared at me. “Sweety’s? I thought you said I should send it to Chipmunk. Did I get that wrong?”

  Chapter 16

  TWO LEFT FEET

  The next morning was cloudy and gray. I walked to classes with Belzer. He carried my backpack on top of his. Good kid, Belzer.

  “Did you sneak into Sweety’s room this morning?” I asked. “Did you switch school uniforms the way I told you? Did you slip him that huge uniform?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I did. No problem, Big B.” He stopped walking. “Look out. Here comes Sweety now.”

  Sweety came stumbling up to us. His school uniform was way too big for him. The pants dragged along the grass. The blazer kept slipping off his shoulders.

  “Joe, you look different. Did you lose more weight?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Bernie, do you believe it? I lost ten pounds in two days!”

  “You’ve gotta share your diet with the other guys,” I said. “It’s awesome! How did you do it? You eat a lot of salad?”

  Sweety shook his head. “No. It’s not a diet,” he said. “It’s the ghost. It made me lose ten pounds. But I’m not worried about it.”

  “Huh?” My mouth dropped open. He was supposed to be terrified. “What do you mean, you’re not worried?”

  “I’m not worried a bit. I’m gonna trick the ghost,” Sweety said.

  “Trick it?”

  “Yeah. I’m moving in with you.”

  A chill ran down my back. I couldn’t breathe. I started to shake. “Move in with me?”

  Sweety nodded. “The Nyce House ghost won’t look for me in Rotten House. I’ll be totally safe in your room.”

  Share a room with The Big Sweety?

  Oh, no. No way. Oh, wow.

  Think fast, Bernie. Think fast.

  “You’re right,” I said. “Belzer, go help him move his stuff. Good plan. You’ll be safe in my room.”

  Sweety stared at me. “So you agree? You think I’m right?”

  I nodded. “You’re totally right. Stay in my room, and you’ll be safe.”

  Joe’s beady little eyes squinted harder. “You’re lying, aren’t you?” he said. “I can tell. You’re lying again. I won’t be safe in your room.”

  “Belzer, go get Joe’s stuff,” I said. “Bring it to my room. We’ll keep Joe safe and sound. The ghost won’t find him there.”

  “Forget it,” Joe said. “I can tell you’re lying! No way I’m moving in with you!”

  He let out a sad cry. “Where will I be safe? What am I gonna do?”

  I put a hand on Joe’s trembling shoulder. “Calm down,” I said. “The ghost isn’t after you. I looked it up last night. The ghost only goes after Joes who are taller than five-foot-two.”

  “But I’m five-THREE!” Sweety screamed.

  “Don’t think about it,” I said. “I read all about the ghost last night. You’ve got nothing to worry about. The ghost only goes after Joes who have two left feet!”

  Sweety opened his mouth and gasped. “But…but…I have two left feet!” he cried. “Look!”

  He frantically pulled off his shoes and socks. The guy actually has two left feet. I remembered seeing them in the gym locker room.

  “Oh, wow. Maybe it is after you!” I said. “You haven’t seen any puddles of ectoplasm in your room—have you?”

  He dropped his shoes. “Huh? Ectoplasm?”

  “Little green puddles,” I said. “Ghosts leave puddles of ectoplasm wherever they go.”

  Joe stared at me in a daze. I shook him by the shoulders to snap him out of it. “Have you seen any green puddles?”

  “Uh…no,” he muttered. “No puddles in my room.”

  I slapped him on the back. “See? You’re okay, dude. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Nothing…to…worry…about,” he whispered. He staggered away on his two left feet, mumbling to himself.

  Belzer and I watched him go. Then Belzer turned to me. “What’s next, Big B?” he asked.

  “Next we get some ectoplasm,” I said. “Got any on you?”

  Chapter 17

  THE GHOSTLY COCOON

  Feenman had a bottle of green hair gel in his room. We all agreed the hair gel would make perfect puddles of ghostly ectoplasm.

  “Why do you have green hair gel?” I asked Feenman. “You don’t put it on your hair.”

  “No way,” Feenman said. “I drink it.”

  Figures.

  I took the bottle from him and handed it to Belzer. “Sneak into The Big Sweety’s room late tonight while he’s sleeping,” I said. “Drop little puddles of this all over the room.”

  Belzer saluted. “You got it, Big B!”

  “And don’t forget to set his scale back another five pounds,” I said. I had a big grin on my face. Haunting Joe Sweety was too much fun!

  The next morning, Sweety was waiting for me outside Rotten House. He was blinking and twitching and trembling.

  He kept clenching and unclenching Mr. Fist and Mr. OTHER Fist. Sweat poured down his forehead.

  Was he scared?

  Does a trout swim naked?

  I pretended to be worried. “Joe, are you sick or something?” I asked. “You don’t look too good.”

  He twitched and blinked some more. “Bernie, it’s after me. For real.”

  “No way,” I said. “Stop thinking about it, Joe.” I started to walk to class.

  He hurried after me, stumbling in the pants that were totally too big for him. “Listen to me, Bernie. The ghost was in my room. I saw ectoplasm all over the place.”

  I stopped and stared at him. “How do you know it was ectoplasm?”

  “It was drippy and green,” Sweety said. His
voice cracked. “I tasted it. It tasted like hair gel. But it was definitely ectoplasm.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said.

  He gasped. “Don’t worry about it? The puddles came right up to my bed!”

  “Don’t even think about it,” I said. “I checked out more info on the Nyce House ghost.”

  “Yeah? What did you find out?”

  “You’ve got nothing to worry about. It only goes after Joes with a middle name that starts with Q!”

  “OH, NO!” Sweety wailed. “My middle name is Quisenberry!”

  “Uh-oh,” I muttered. “Well…at least he didn’t wrap you in a cocoon.”

  Sweety gulped. “Excuse me? A cocoon?”

  “Oh. Never mind,” I said. “I didn’t mean to say that. Just ignore it. It won’t happen to you.”

  “Tell me,” Sweety insisted. “Tell me about the cocoon.”

  “That’s how the Nyce House ghost destroys his victims,” I said. “He wraps them up tightly in a ghostly cocoon. And there’s no way they can ever escape.”

  Sweety squinted at me. “You’re lying, aren’t you? There aren’t any cocoons—right?”

  “Yes, I’m lying,” I said. “You caught me. I just made up the cocoon thing.”

  He squinted at me some more. “No. Now you’re lying!” he cried. “The ghost DOES wrap its victims in a cocoon!”

  “I never lie,” I said. “Cross my heart.”

  “That means you’re lying,” Sweety said. “The ghost is gonna try to cocoon me! I know it!”

  “Don’t worry about it, Joe. You’re totally safe,” I said. “Totally. Trust me.”

  I watched him wobble off to class. Then I hurried to find Feenman, Crench, and Belzer.

  “Meet me after dinner,” I said. “We’re almost finished haunting Joe Sweety. Now we’ve gotta get the cocoon ready.”