The Good, the Bad and the Very Slimy Read online

  “Bernie, my hand is stuck! Help me! I’m stuck!”

  My pal Belzer!

  Why do my friends always call me when they’re in trouble? Is it because they know I’m a genius?

  “Bernie—help me!”

  I hurried across the hall. It didn’t take long to see the problem.

  Belzer was crunched down on his knees. His hand was stuck in the candy bar vending machine. Actually, his whole arm was stuck inside the slot.

  He turned to me. He had sweat pouring down his chubby face. The poor guy was in pain. “Big B—get me outta this!”

  I rested my hand on his head. “Belzer, how many times do I have to tell you? First, you put the money in the machine. Then you reach for the candy bar. You always do it backwards.”

  “But, Bernie, you took all my money last week—remember?” Belzer whined. “You said you were starting a college fund for me.”

  “You’re nine years old,” I said. “You have to start thinking about the future. I put the money in a safe place for you.”

  “A safe place?”

  “Yes. My wallet.”

  I tugged his shoulder. He let out a cry. The poor guy was really stuck.

  “No problem. I’ll have you out of there before you can count to a hundred thousand,” I said.

  He whimpered some more. “Thanks, Big B. But could you do it a little faster? I don’t think I can count that high.”

  “Hmmm…” I stared down at my squirming friend. I put the Bernie Bridges brain into action. And I came up with a plan. A desperate plan. A dangerous plan…

  But, I’ll do anything for my friends!

  Chapter 7

  MY GOOD DEED

  I grabbed my wallet and pulled out a dollar bill. “I’m putting money in the slot,” I said. “When I do, the machine will let go of your hand.”

  I waved the dollar bill in front of his face. “My own money,” I said. “I’m giving up a whole dollar for you, Belzer. That’s because I always help out my pals.”

  “Oh, thank you, Bernie,” Belzer replied. “Thank you. You’re the BEST!”

  “And, you don’t have to pay back the dollar till you get your allowance,” I said.

  “Oh, thank you. Thank you!”

  I kissed the dollar bill good-bye. Then I slid it into the candy machine.

  I heard a few clicks. A squeak. A thump.

  “Yes!” Belzer cried. He fell over backwards as his arm came sliding out. His hand was wrapped tightly around a Nutty Nutty Bar.

  “Wheeeee! I’m free! I’m free!” He kicked his legs in the air and let out a happy cry. Then, still on his back, he ripped the paper wrapper off and jammed the chocolate bar into his mouth.

  See? April-May June was wrong about me. I do care about other people. I care about my Rotten House buddies. And I don’t just think about making money all the time.

  I smiled at Belzer, down on the floor, gulping loudly, cramming the chocolate bar down his throat. Yes, Bernie B. had done a good deed tonight. And it gave me a warm feeling, a good feeling.

  And then I heard a thud.

  Another Nutty Nutty Bar dropped into the slot.

  Thud. Another one. Then another one.

  Thud. Thud. Thud.

  A miracle!

  “The machine is going wacko!” Belzer cried, his mouth smeared with chocolate.

  “Grab them,” I said. “Hurry. Grab them all.”

  See? Do a good deed—and good things happen to you! This “being good” idea was already starting to pay off!

  Thud. Thud. Thudthudthud.

  “Grab them! Grab them, Belzer!” I shouted. “We can sell them to the second graders for a dollar each!”

  Chapter 8

  CRUSHED

  My backpack weighed a ton. Belzer had loaded it with Nutty Nutty Bars. I swung it onto my shoulders and headed off to my dorm.

  It was a cool, clear night as I strode across the Great Lawn. I passed the statue of the man who had built our school—I.B. Rotten. I squeezed his long nose for good luck.

  It was a beautiful night. Crickets chirped. Frogs croaked. The apple trees on the Great Lawn whispered in the breeze.

  As I said, I love going to boarding school. I feel sorry for kids who don’t live at school and who have to go home every day.

  I could see my dorm, Rotten House, up ahead on the left.

  My heart was swelling with joy. I felt total happiness. And all because April-May June had said yes, that she’d go to the party with me.

  All I had to do was change everything about me.

  Could I do it?

  Could I really stay out of trouble till next Monday night?

  Study? Do my homework and be a better student than Sherman Oaks?

  A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. My whole body started to tremble.

  “You can do it, Bernie,” I said, giving myself a pep talk. “After all, it’s only a week.”

  That’s what I was thinking when I was hit from behind and crushed by a two-ton army tank.

  Chapter 9

  SHERMAN SHOWS OFF

  “Sorry,” a voice said.

  I landed flat on my stomach. Spitting out a mouthful of dirt, I slowly raised my head from the grass—and gazed up at Sherman Oaks.

  I hadn’t been hit by a tank. I’d been run over by the enormous new bike Sherman’s parents had sent him. “Unph ungggph,” I said.

  Sherman grinned down at me with his three hundred teeth. “Sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t see you till it was too late. I shouldn’t wear these designer, wraparound sunglasses at night. But they’re so expensive, I hate to take them off.”

  “Ungggh Grunnnnph,” I said. Everything hurt, but I managed to roll onto my back.

  “I put Godzilla in his cage and hurried to get my new bike,” Sherman said. “I can’t stand to be away from it. It was built by the Hummer company. Would you like to touch it for a few seconds?”

  “Grunnnnngh,” I replied.

  “It has a DVD player, four stereo speakers, and satellite radio,” Sherman said. “The handlebars are eighteen-karat gold.” He slid his hands up and down them. “Oooh, I love the feel of gold, don’t you?”

  I spit out some more chunks of dirt.

  “And check out the seat,” Sherman said. “The seat is made from the fluff of baby chicks. Is that soft, or what? My parents think they can impress me by buying me the best of everything in the world.”

  With a loud groan, I pulled myself up to a sitting position. The candy bars! I had forgotten about them. Were they crushed?

  I swung my backpack to my chest and tugged it open. Thank goodness! The Nutty Nutty Bars were all okay.

  “Sherman, would you like to buy some candy bars?” I asked. “I paid two dollars each. But since you’re my friend, I’ll sell them to you for a dollar fifty. How about it?”

  He stared down at me from the fluffy bike seat.

  I reached into the backpack. “How many would you like to buy? Ten? Twenty? I’ll make you a special deal: Buy twenty and I’ll give them to you for only fifty dollars.”

  Sherman sneered at me. “I don’t have time for candy bars,” he said. “I have to study for the History test. Everyone expects me to ace it. And I won’t let them down. I plan to get the best grade in the history of the school.”

  I snickered. “I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for second best,” I said. “Because I’m going to come in first.”

  Sherman laughed so hard, I think he hurt himself. He grabbed his sides, tears running down his cheeks.

  “Thanks for the laugh, Bernie,” he said. “You may not be awesomely wealthy like me. But your sense of humor is rich.”

  “I’m not joking,” I said. “I promised April-May June I’d be a better student than you this week. And then she’s going with me to the dance party.”

  Sherman raised his dark glasses and squinted at me. “Bernie, do you know how to spell ha-ha-ha? I’ll give you a hint: It starts with h-a.”

  He sneered again. “I
’m taking April-May to the party. No way you can do better than me this week. I won’t let you.”

  “Okay, it’s war,” I said.

  “Yes. War,” he agreed.

  “And I’m going to win,” I said. “I’m trying a whole new plan. Something I’ve never tried before.”

  Sherman grinned at me. “What’s that?”

  “It’s called studying,” I said.

  Sherman tossed back his head and laughed some more. Then he grabbed the handlebars, lowered his shoes to the pedals—and rode over me again as he hurried away.

  Chapter 10

  CRUSHED, PART TWO

  The next morning, Belzer brought me breakfast in bed. He brings it to me every morning, right before he walks my fat bulldog, Gassy.

  This morning, Belzer wore his school blazer. And underneath it, a white and gray T-shirt with the words NOSE PICKERS ANONYMOUS across the front.

  I didn’t ask him about the shirt. I was too busy thinking about my new life as an excellent student. Study, study, study. That was my plan.

  I’d even found the school library on a map. I never knew we had a library. I thought it was a storage building!

  “Eat birdseed and choke! Go SWALLOW a cuttlebone!”

  My adorable parrot, Lippy, was hopping up and down on his perch, trying to get my attention. The cute thing loves to bite my fingers every morning and make them bleed.

  “Sorry. No time for you,” I called to the parrot.

  “Bite my tail feathers!”

  Who taught him to say that?

  I made my way outside. A warm, sunny day. The Great Lawn sparkling. Birds singing in the trees.

  Kids were pouring out of the dorms, heading to the School House, our classroom building. We also like to call it the Mouse House. Guess why: All the mice in town go there for their winter vacation. Summer vacation, too. (And spring and fall.)

  I started to trot. I wanted to be early to class. I wanted to cling to every word Mrs. Heinie said.

  But I didn’t make it. I was halfway across the campus when I was hit from behind and crushed by a two-ton army tank.

  Chapter 11

  JENNIFER ATTACKS

  No. This time it wasn’t Sherman Oaks on his bike. With a painful groan, I turned and saw Jennifer Ecch hulking over me.

  She rolled me onto my back and sat down on my stomach.

  “Good morning to you, too,” I gasped.

  Have you ever seen an elephant sitting on a mouse? It isn’t a pretty picture.

  “I want to talk to you,” she said. Her bangs covered her eyes. She looked like a sheepdog in a dress. I hoped she didn’t have fleas!

  “I can’t really talk right now,” I whispered. “Because you’re cutting off all my breath.”

  She shifted her weight. I felt a couple of ribs crack.

  “Honey Buns, I’ve been telling everyone you’re taking me to the dance party,” she said. “So…will you?”

  “Please don’t call me Honey Buns,” I begged.

  She pressed all her weight down on me. “Will you take me to the party?”

  “I wish I could,” I said, trying to sound sincere. “I really do. But April-May already asked me.”

  “Huh?” Jennifer let out a startled cry and jumped to her feet. She pulled me up and twisted my arm behind my back. “I don’t believe you,” she said.

  She pulled my arm up until I heard a loud snap. “I swear. It’s true,” I groaned.

  “There’s no way April-May will go with you,” Jennifer said, giving my arm another hard tug. “I’ll be waiting and watching, Bernie. And I’ll be ready for you at the Student Center when April-May goes to the party with someone else.”

  “Ohhh, my arm. My arm,” I wailed.

  Her mouth dropped open. “Oh. Did I hurt you, Sweet Cakes? Let me make it better.” She started kissing my arm up and down.

  Lots of kids stopped to watch.

  It’s SO EMBARRASSING to have a girl in love with you in fourth grade!

  I broke away and went running to class, cradling my arm in my other hand. Now I knew I had to be a better student than Sherman. I had to show April-May that I was the class genius.

  It was the only way to stay out of Jennifer Ecch’s clutches. The only way to keep her from breaking the rest of my bones!

  Chapter 12

  MY FIRST NIGHT AS A BOOKWORM

  Wednesday night, I was sitting at a table in the library, leaning over my History textbook. Studying, studying. I’d been sitting there for nearly an hour—a new world’s record for Bernie B.

  I glanced up to rest my eyes—and saw Feenman and Crench running up to me. They looked confused. I knew they’d never been here before.

  “Look at all the books!” Feenman said. “Is this like a bookstore or something?”

  “Bernie, where were you this afternoon?” Crench asked. “We were supposed to have our afternoon study group—studying SpongeBob cartoons on TV.”

  “Sorry,” I said. “I was here in the library, reading chapters for the History test.”

  Feenman squinted at me. “Yeah, sure, Bernie. What kind of scheme are you cooking up? Something to make Sherman look like a jerk?”

  “No. I’m serious,” I said. “I’m studying.”

  “Are you sick or something?” Crench asked. He put his hand on my forehead.

  “I’m not sick,” I said, shoving his sweaty hand away. “I have to study hard. I have to be good, dudes. I promised April-May I’d be good all week.”

  “Bernie, this is no time to be good,” Feenman said. “Sherman is holding a pool tournament, and he’s killing everyone.”

  “He’s using that new digital pool cue his parents sent him,” Crench said. “It has some kind of radar on it. It can’t miss! Hurry—you’ve gotta come win for us, Big B!”

  Tempting. Very tempting. I started to get up.

  But then I saw April-May sitting at a nearby table. And I shouted—just loud enough for her to hear—“Are you guys kidding me? Play POOL when I could be studying the history of Panama? Go away!”

  Feenman and Crench stared at me. “We’re worried about you, Bernie,” Crench said. “You never tried to be good before. It’s not like you!”

  “I did a good deed last night,” I said, “and it paid off big-time—with tons of candy bars. Get used to the new Bernie, dudes.”

  I made sure April-May was listening. Then I shouted, “Listen, dudes, I’m in school to LEARN. I wish I had time to stay in the library and read ALL these books!”

  I smiled at April-May—and she smiled back!

  She was buying it!

  Feenman and Crench slumped out, muttering and shaking their heads.

  I buried my head in the textbook and started to read again. I moved my lips so April-May could see that I was concentrating hard.

  It’s starting to work, I thought. She’s starting to see what an awesome student I am. Now I need to do a few more good deeds to impress her….

  Chapter 13

  HOW I IMPRESSED APRIL-MAY

  On Thursday night, I crept out of Rotten House around nine o’clock. I made sure no one was watching. I carried a big bag of trash out of the dorm.

  Time to do another good deed.

  I carried the trash onto the Great Lawn and scattered it all around.

  I knew April-May would be passing this way soon. She always took this path from the library to the girls’ dorm.

  “April-May, get ready to be impressed,” I murmured softly, tossing the garbage under the bushes. “Get ready to see what an awesome, good guy Bernie B. is!”

  A few minutes later, I saw her coming toward me on the path.

  “Showtime!” I whispered.

  I bent down and started gathering up the trash.

  Humming to myself, I stuffed pieces of trash back into the plastic trash bag.

  “Bernie!” April-May cried. “What are you doing out here so late?”

  I stuffed a few more pieces of garbage into the bag. Then I raised my head and flash
ed her a smile.

  “I hate litter,” I said. “Our school is so beautiful. I want to keep it looking perfect. So I come out here every night and pick up the trash.”

  April-May gazed hard at me. She didn’t say a word. But I knew she was totally impressed.

  She could see what a good person I am.

  She trotted away. I waited until she was out of sight.

  Then I called to Belzer, who was hiding behind a tree, “Okay—you can pick the trash up now. I’m going to sleep!”

  I wasn’t finished impressing April-May. The next morning, I got my Rotten House buddy Nosebleed to help me do another good deed.

  Nosebleed is a skinny little guy with one major talent. You can probably figure it out from his name. That’s right. Just look at him funny—and he gets a nosebleed!

  I brought Nosebleed to the front of the girls’ dorm. The dorm has no name. No one ever thought of a name for it. It’s just called the girls’ dorm.

  Anyway, I brought Nosebleed there and waited until I saw April-May come out the front door. Then I picked him up and started to run with him in my arms.

  April-May ran after me. “Bernie—what are you doing?” she called.

  “I’m rushing Nosebleed to the nurse,” I said. “He has a bad nosebleed.”

  I turned back to her and shrugged. “I’ll be late to class,” I said. “But I gotta take care of my friends. My friends are the most important thing to me. It’s just the way I am.”

  April-May grabbed my arm. “But, Bernie—his nose isn’t bleeding.”

  I frowned at Nosebleed. “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Start bleeding! Bleed for her!”

  I turned to April-May. “See what I have to put up with?”

  Chapter 14