Battle of the Dum Diddys Read online

  “URRRRRRRRP!”

  “Guys, what’s wrong with you?” I cried. “His face is covered in food! Someone could’ve won big-time!”

  They sat staring at me dreamily, as if they were on another planet.

  That was my first clue that something was rotten at Rotten School. But…what was it?

  Chapter 6

  WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

  After dinner I hurried over to Feenman and Crench. “Okay, dudes,” I said. “This way to the Go Fish tournament. Did you tell everyone to meet behind the Student Center?”

  “Not tonight, Bernie,” Feenman said. “We can’t.”

  “It’s just five dollars to play,” I said. “Didn’t you spread the word? We only have six more days till the school shuts down.”

  “Sorry, Big B,” Crench said. “We can’t play Go Fish. You already won all our money. And we’re kinda busy tonight.”

  Busy?

  I squinted at them. “You guys are busy tonight? Doing what? Cleaning out your noses?”

  They both laughed. “I did that at dinner,” Feenman said. Then they hurried away.

  As I walked back to the dorm, I didn’t see a single kid.

  Where was everyone?

  The next day was just as strange.

  At lunch in the Dining Hall, I stood up and made an announcement. I knew my big bulldog, Gassy, was the only dog on campus. A lot of other kids missed their dogs.

  “Who wants to walk Gassy?” I asked. “Only two dollars, and you can pretend he’s yours and walk him as long as you want.”

  No hands went up.

  “I know he stinks,” I said. “But he’s all we’ve got. You can walk in front of him, and it doesn’t smell too bad!”

  No hands. No dog walkers.

  I was striking out big-time.

  After classes that afternoon, I carried my big bag of Nutty Nutty candy bars onto the Great Lawn. I sell them for a dollar each, and kids usually gobble them up. That’s because they’re Nutty Nutty Nutty-tritious.

  But again, no one was around. Where had they all vanished to?

  Finally I saw Beast loping across the grass. On all fours!

  Beast likes to chase squirrels. He never catches them. He says he just likes to scare them to death.

  “Beast, how about a salami-eating contest?” I said. “You against Joe Sweety. Everyone will want to bet on that one.”

  My guy always wins salami-eating contests. Because Beast is the only kid in school who can eat them whole! Last time, he ate ten whole salamis without even unwrapping them.

  The dude is awesome—right?

  Beast lowered his head and barfed up a disgusting glob of chewed-up grass. “Don’t know why I keep eating grass,” he said. “I guess for the taste.”

  “Beast, what about the salami-eating contest?” I asked.

  “Too busy,” he grunted.

  I stared at him. “Too busy? Why is everyone telling me they’re too busy?”

  He didn’t answer. He dropped back onto all fours and loped away.

  I turned in a circle, gazing at the empty campus.

  What’s going on here? I wondered.

  Where is everyone?

  Chapter 7

  TINKLE?

  The next afternoon, I was walking across the Great Lawn, muttering to myself. “This school will be closed in four days. How am I supposed to cash in if everyone is hiding from me?”

  “Bernie, who are you talking to?” someone asked.

  I looked up to see Mrs. Twinkler staring at me. She was carrying a big, ugly, straw mask on a stick. The mask stared at me, too.

  “Talking to myself,” I muttered. “I talk to myself a lot. No one understands me better than I do.”

  Mrs. Twinkler nodded. “I see.”

  I pointed to the scowling mask. “What’s that?”

  “It’s my nephew’s head,” she said, shaking it up and down.

  “How did he lose it?” I asked. “Haircut too close?”

  She laughed her twinkling laugh. “Hilarious. Wow, wow, wow. You’re just a riot! My nephew made this head. I thought maybe you could use it in the pageant.”

  “The what?” I asked.

  She laughed again. “Very funny. Where do you get that sense of humor? Don’t ever lose it, Bernie. Remember, a laugh is as good as a tomato. Anytime.”

  “Excuse me?” I suddenly remembered I was supposed to be doing some kind of pageant.

  “Have you chosen your cast members?” Mrs. Twinkler asked.

  “Of course,” I said. “I think you’ll be pleased, Mrs. Twinkler. I have the best actors in school. They’re acting their hearts out already, and we don’t even have a script!”

  The mask stared at me as if it knew I was lying.

  “And how are the costumes I sent to you?” she asked.

  “Way cool,” I said. “Totally perfect. The kids all wanted to wear them to class. But I said they had to wait. I want everything to be a total secret. A big surprise—even to me.”

  “Well, I’m glad you started work,” Mrs. Twinkler said. “Reach for the stars, Bernie. But keep your socks clean.”

  “Uh…right,” I said. “We’re all totally psyched, Mrs. T. We can’t wait to do the pageant. What’s it about again? I think I forgot.”

  The mask frowned at me. I could swear it stuck out its tongue.

  “The Battle of Rotten Town,” Mrs. Twinkler said. She squinted at me. “Are you sure you’re working on this?”

  “Of course,” I said. “It’s just that I forget things when I’m this excited. We’re all so majorly excited,” I said.

  I saw my buddy Belzer slumping across the grass. Belzer is probably the most uncool dude at Rotten School. But he’s a good kid. For one thing, he brings me breakfast in bed every morning. Then he carries my books to class.

  He’s not really a slave. He just likes to do everything I ask.

  I grabbed Belzer by the shoulders and heaved his pudgy body up to Mrs. Twinkler. “Here’s one of our soldiers,” I said. I clapped him hard on the back.

  A little too hard. He fell to his knees.

  “Excellent fall, Belzer,” I said. I turned to Mrs. T. “See how he’s practicing? The dude is a real actor. He’s gonna be terrific.”

  Belzer blinked five or six times. He always blinks when he’s thinking hard. “Practicing? Practicing what, Bernie?”

  I slapped my hand over his mouth.

  “Did you ever hear such enthusiasm?” I asked her. “He’s gonna steal the show!”

  “Show?” Belzer mumbled behind my hand. “Is there gonna be a show? Will they have popcorn?”

  “Ha-ha.” I tossed back my head and laughed. “What a joker! You’re gonna be proud of him, Mrs. T.!”

  She flashed us her sparkling grin. “I’m proud of both of you,” she said. “Twinkle and shine, boys. Remember—always twinkle and shine!”

  She walked off, shaking her nephew’s head.

  “Did she say tinkle?” Belzer asked, blinking hard.

  I pulled Belzer up from his knees. “I don’t think so,” I said. I brushed Belzer off.

  “What kind of show was she talking about?” he asked.

  “Some kind of dumb pageant,” I said. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll never happen. The school will probably be shut down by then.”

  I had more important things to think about. I hurried to see my buddies, Feenman and Crench. The clock was ticking. I needed their help.

  Chapter 8

  GOOD MEMORIES

  I ran up the two flights of stairs to my room. Their room is across the hall from mine. I could hear loud shouts and screams coming from inside.

  Probably doing their Three Stooges act, I decided. Feenman and Crench love to kick and slap and head-butt each other and poke each other’s eyes out. It’s a total riot—especially if you like pain.

  I pushed open the door and stepped inside their room. A blast of hot, steamy air hit my face. It’s always hot in their room. The room used to be a closet.


  “Whoa! I don’t believe this!” I cried.

  Feenman and Crench weren’t poking and slapping each other. They were hunched over a laptop, staring at the screen. Crench frantically moved the mouse, clicking it again and again.

  The shouts and cries came from the laptop.

  “Give me a break,” I said, stepping up beside them. “What’s up with this?”

  Feenman raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhh. It’s the Battle of Heartburnia.”

  I gasped. “The WHAT??”

  He shushed me again.

  An armored knight on the screen had a long spear shoved through his chest. It went all the way through him and came out the other side.

  “YOOOOWWWWWW!”

  Feenman screamed, as if he was the one who got skewered.

  “Bet that hurts,” I muttered.

  Feenman held his chest, gasping for air.

  “Want a Band-Aid?” I asked.

  “Shhhh.” It was Crench’s turn to shush me. He had his face right up against the screen. He clicked the mouse furiously. “Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!” he screamed.

  “We have to use our swords,” Feenman told me. “We don’t have enough weapon points to buy fireballs.”

  “We spent all our bubus on a horse,” Crench said.

  CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

  “You WHAT?” I cried. “Spent all your bubus? What’s a bubu? Have you both gone nuts?”

  CLICK-CLICKCLICKCLICK!

  “Will you two stop?” I screamed.

  They both spun around. But Crench kept clicking the mouse. I guess he couldn’t stop his finger.

  “We can’t take a break in the middle of a battle,” Crench said. “Do you want our knights to lose the big wing-wang?”

  “Stop talking baby talk!” I shouted. “You’re starting to scare me. I need you guys for a real-life emergency.”

  Feenman scratched his head. “Real life?”

  “We can’t help you,” Crench said. “We’re too busy. We’re the Doo-Wah-Diddy Dragons.”

  Feenman nodded. His hair fell over his face. He looked a lot better that way.

  “The Doo-Wah-Diddy Dragons are battling the Knighty Knight Knights,” he said.

  I pinched their cheeks. “You two are definitely Dum Diddys,” I said. “How can you waste your time on a stupid game?”

  “Wungo Warriors isn’t a game,” Crench said. “It’s a battle to the death. If the Knighty Knight Knights win this Battle of Heartburnia, we’ll have to pay a battle tax to the great Wungo Wango.”

  I slapped my forehead. “Please—speak English! What’s wrong with you two?”

  CLICK-CLICK-CLICKCLICK.

  “Listen to me, dudes,” I said. “Remember what I overheard in Upchuck’s office? The inspectors are coming on Saturday, and they’re going to shut down the school. We’ve got to act fast. Don’t you want to go to your next school with your pockets full of bubus?”

  CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

  Okay. That didn’t work. I decided to try a different approach.

  “Don’t you care about your school?” I asked. “Don’t you have any feeling at all for this wonderful place? Don’t you have any heart?”

  They both turned away from the laptop and stared at me.

  I put my arms around their shoulders. “We’re good buddies, right?” I said. “And we’ve had wonderful times here. Great, great memories.” I let a few tears fall from my eyes.

  “You okay, Bernie?” Feenman asked.

  “I…I just can’t believe our school could be gone in a few days,” I said. I let my voice tremble. “Don’t you guys remember all the good times? Remember when Headmaster Upchuck fell into Pooper’s Pond, and we had to pull a minnow out of his nose? Remember when Mrs. Heinie lost her glasses and walked right into a bulldozer? Remember when the chef accidentally put poison ivy into the salad?”

  “Good times,” Crench said.

  “Yeah. Lotsa good memories,” Feenman said.

  “Well, don’t you want to cash in before the good memories are gone forever?” I asked.

  CLICK-CLICK-CLICKCLICKCLICK!

  Chapter 9

  THE SLAUGHTER BEGINS

  Belzer came bobbing into the room. He flashed me his lopsided grin. I keep meaning to take my pliers and straighten his teeth for him. That’s how much I care about my guys.

  “Belzer,” I said, putting my arm around his shoulders. “These two guys have gone totally nutso. I’m glad to see you.”

  Belzer blinked several times. “What was that about tinkling?” he asked.

  “Forget about that,” I said. “Belzer, I’ve got two cases of Foamy Root Beer hidden under my bed. Pull them out and carry them downstairs. We’ll sell them to the second graders for three dollars a can.”

  Belzer shook his head. “I can’t, Big B.”

  Huh? Belzer saying no?

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “I’m not Belzer,” he said. “I’m Prince Barfo of Barfolonia.”

  Has EVERYONE gone NUTS???

  I hurried back to my room. “YOWWWWW!” I tripped over the big trunk on the floor—and fell on my face.

  I forgot about the trunk. The pageant costumes from Mrs. Twinkler were inside.

  With a groan, I pulled myself to my feet. I had to find some dudes who wanted to lose money to Bernie B. I stuffed a deck of cards into my back pocket and hurried downstairs to search the dorm.

  “Don’t give up, Bernie,” I told myself. “You’re the great Bernie B. You can’t give up!”

  You know the Bernie Bridges motto: A quitter never wins, and a winner never gives back the bubus he’s won.

  My first stop was my buddy Chipmunk’s room. Chipmunk is a good guy, but he’s a little shy. His hobby is hiding under the bed and pretending he’s invisible.

  I knocked on Chipmunk’s door. He’s too shy to say “Come in.” So I barged right into the room.

  He was hunched over his laptop.

  “Yo, Chipper,” I said. “How’s the Chip-Chip-Chipper?”

  I stepped up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m starting a new Go Fish tournament,” I said. “Only five dollars to play. What do you say, Chipper?”

  He grabbed my hand and shoved it away. “I’m not Chipmunk,” he said in a weird, deep voice. “I’m Merlo the Merciless!”

  “Huh? You? You’re merciless?” I cried. “Whoa, Chipmunk—”

  “Merlo the Merciless spares no one!” he screamed. “I eat slabs of raw beef for breakfast! And I pick my teeth with human bones!”

  I stared at him. This wasn’t exactly the Chipmunk I knew. Was he possessed?

  I lowered my eyes to his laptop screen. I saw a bunch of hooded dwarf creatures with green faces.

  “The slaughter begins!” Chipmunk bellowed.

  He was possessed. Everyone in the dorm was going berserko!

  Shaking my head, I hurried back into the hall. Billy the Brain’s room was next door. Billy is the biggest brainiac in school.

  He’s so smart, he can read his watch upside down!

  The door was open. The lights were out. I poked my head in. “Billy? Are you here?”

  Chapter 10

  BATTLE OF THE BRAINS

  Billy is so smart, he can read a book and chew gum at the same time.

  “Billy? What’s up, dude?” I called.

  I saw him sitting between two computers. I slapped knuckles with him, and we did the secret Rotten House handshake.

  “What’s up with two computers?” I asked. “Does it help you do your homework twice as fast?”

  “No way,” Billy said. He slapped his chest. “I’m Sir Fleabagge!” he shouted. “Knightly Knight of the Knighty Knight Knights.”

  “Huh??”

  He slapped his chest again. “And I’m battling myself,” he boomed. “As Grand Master Mister Buff Diddy of the Doo-Wah-Diddy Doodly Diddly Dibbly Dribbles!”

  I swallowed hard. “But, Billy—why are you fighting yourself?” I asked.

  He tapped his
forehead. “Don’t you get it? I can’t lose! Even if I kill myself, I’m still a winner!”

  I told you the dude is a genius.

  Billy clicked his mouse a few times. Then he turned to me and started to sing:

  “We’re the Knighty Knight Knights, and we have no fright.

  We even go outside late at night!”

  He clicked some more, staring at both screens. He shouted and whooped for joy. Then he groaned a few times. A few more clicks, and he turned back to me and started to sing a different song:

  “We’re the Doo-Wah-Diddy Dibbly Dribbles,

  Doo-Wah, Doo-Wah.

  We’re mean, we’re fierce,

  Our own ears we pierce,

  Doo-Wah, Doo-Wah.

  We curse, we spit,

  We always stand, we never sit.

  We can’t end this song. It goes on too long,

  But we don’t know what rhymes with Dribbles!”

  “Very catchy,” I said.

  CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.

  “I like both battle songs,” Billy said. Then his eyes bulged as he stared at the screens. “Look out!” he shouted. “I’m in a battle to the death with myself now!”

  CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK!

  “Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!”

  “Ow! Ow! Owwwwww!”

  I crept out and closed his door behind me. “I’ve gotta lie down,” I said. “I’m the only dude in the dorm who isn’t NUTS!”

  Chapter 11

  ANGEL WANTS TO KILL!

  I never quit. You know my motto: Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so cash in while you can, even if your school is going to close and every kid you know has lost his mind.

  The deck of cards was burning a hole in my pocket. But finding someone to play cards with me was tough.