The Heinie Prize

  Rotten School

  The Heinie Prize

  R.L. Stine

  Illustrations by Trip Park

  For Mom

  –TP

  Contents

  Map

  Morning Announcements

  1. Foam Fight!

  2. Who Will Win the Heinie?

  3. “Dream On…”

  4. A Surprising Letter

  5. Belzer Is Outta There!

  6. Belzer Is the MAN!

  7. A High Fever?

  8. A Flesh-Eating Disease

  9. Bernie the Slave

  10. Mrs. H. Has a Good Laugh

  11. Why the Twins Screamed

  12. A Bowling Accident

  13. Nose Wars

  14. Brilliant!

  15. The Bernie Shuffle

  16. “We Weren’t Cheating!”

  17. Moonlight Over Pooper’s Pond

  18. Belzer the Hero

  19. A Surprise Winner

  20. The King Speaks

  21. The Monster Strikes!

  22. A Palace for the King

  23. King Belzer Suffers

  24. 11:59

  About the Author

  Other Books by Rotten School Series

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Map

  MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

  Is this on? Can anyone hear me? Is this on? Good morning, Rotten Students. This is Headmaster Upchuck with today’s Morning Announcements.

  Buck Naykid, president of the Fifth Grade Losers Club, announces the club has changed its name because so many kids made fun of it. The club’s new name is The Maggots.

  A special treat in the Dining Hall tonight. Chef Baloney promises that the chickens will be plucked before they are served.

  Nurse Hanley would like to remind all first graders that snot is not part of a healthy breakfast.

  While we are on that subject…I know many of you were looking forward to the Sixth Grade Long-Distance Sneezing Contest. But it has been canceled because two contestants came down with colds.

  Mr. Farrhowt, our music teacher, has canceled the Student All-Mozart Violin Concert for tonight since no one knows how to play the violin.

  Finally, I’d like to warn everyone…fourth grade comedian, Harry Aip, will be showing off the chewed-up spinach in his teeth in the Dining Hall tonight. As long as you keep laughing at this, he’ll keep doing it.

  Chapter 1

  FOAM FIGHT!

  It was a hot, sunny day. The green grass gleamed under a clear blue sky. Birds twittered in the rotten apple trees.

  My pals Feenman and Crench were walking across the Great Lawn with me. We had our cans of Foamy Root Beer raised high. And we were toasting one another and singing the Official Rotten School Song:

  “Rah rah Rotten School!

  I’d rather be in Rotten School—

  Than NOT in school!”

  I have to admit it. Those tender words always bring tears to my eyes.

  I’m Bernie Bridges, and I love my Rotten School. You probably go home every day after school. But our school is a boarding school, and we live here.

  Why do I love it so much?

  If only I weren’t so modest, I’d tell you that I’m the KING here! I’d tell you that it’s my PURE GENIUS that makes me the king.

  Maybe you’ve heard other people say this about me. Of course, I’d never say it about myself.

  “Rah rah Rotten School!”

  We sang and slapped our root beer cans together. Feenman, Crench, and I love Foamy Root Beer. You know their slogan—“It’s So Foamy, It Stays on Your Face for Hours!”

  We tilted the cans to our mouths and took long drinks. Then we wiped the foam off our faces and did the Official Rotten School Burp.

  Feenman holds the school record for the Three-Minute Burp. Is he proud of it? Does a weasel have feathers?

  Crench is a talented burpsman, too. Every time our teacher, Mrs. Heinie, turns her back, Crench lets out loud, disgusting belches—until the instant she turns around again.

  So far, she hasn’t caught him once.

  Hey, my guys are talented!

  “Rah rah Rotten School!”

  I turned and saw that Feenman had a devilish look on his face. He shook his root beer can and sprayed foam down the front of Crench’s school vest.

  “Hey! Why’d you do that?” Crench screamed.

  Feenman shrugged. “No reason.”

  Crench shook his soda can and shot a spray at Feenman. But Feenman ducked, and I got a Foamy Root Beer shower.

  “Whoa—!” I shook my soda and let Crench have it in the face.

  In a few seconds all three of us were soaked. We were wrestling on the ground, licking the foam off one another.

  “Dudes! Stop!” I shouted, wiping root beer foam from my hair.

  I saw my archenemy walking toward us. That spoiled, rich kid, Sherman Oaks. And what was that shiny thing he was carrying?

  I jumped to my feet and hurried over to check it out.

  And that’s when all the fuss about the Heinie Prize began.

  Chapter 2

  WHO WILL WIN THE HEINIE?

  Sherman Oaks is tall and blond, has crinkly, blue eyes, and a stuck-up expression. Some guys told me he has a heart tattoo on his butt with the words I’M RICH.

  But we don’t know for sure. He doesn’t shower with the rest of us after gym class. He pays a kid to shower for him.

  I wiped foam off my face. My hair was sticky from the root beer, and my sneakers squished as I walked.

  “What’s Sherman carrying?” Crench asked.

  “Looks like some kind of display case from a store,” I said.

  “You think he’s gonna put his money on display?” Feenman asked.

  “Hey, dudes,” Sherman greeted us with a smile. He held the glass case in front of him with both hands.

  “What’s that?” I asked, pointing.

  “It’s a solid platinum display case,” he said. “My parents paid two thousand dollars for it. They buy me anything I want because they want me to like them.”

  “But—what’s it for?” I asked.

  Sherman grinned. I had to shield my eyes from the bright glow of his teeth. “It’s to display the Heinie Prize when I win it,” he said.

  I stared at Feenman and Crench. “Huh? The Heinie Prize?”

  Sherman nodded. “Mrs. Heinie awards a silver trophy every year to the Most Outstanding Fourth Grader.”

  “Sherman, you’d better give me the case,” I said. “Mrs. Heinie is crazy about me! I’ve probably already won.”

  Sherman tilted his perfect nose in the air and sneered at me. “Bernie,” he said, “she doesn’t award the Heinie Prize for being soaked in root beer. To win, you have to be both an outstanding student and an outstanding citizen.”

  Feenman opened his mouth and let out a long Rotten School Burp.

  “That was outstanding!” Crench said.

  Sherman tilted his nose higher and sneered some more. “When I win the Heinie,” he said, “I’m going to display it in the front hall of the Student Center so everyone will be reminded that I’m not just filthy rich—I’m also fabulous!”

  Sherman walked away, humming to himself.

  My whole body started to shake. I started to pant like a dog. My teeth rattled. My lips flopped up and down.

  Feenman grabbed me by the shoulders. “Bernie—what’s wrong?” he cried.

  “I…I’ve gotta win that prize,” I finally choked out. “I can’t let Sherman Oaks win. I’ve gotta win the Heinie. I’ve gotta be Most Outstanding.”

  Feenman and Crench stared at me. “But—how?” they cried.

  Chapter 3

  “DREAM ON…”

  Our dorm is called R
otten House. It’s a run-down old house, but we love it.

  My buddies and I chose the third floor. It’s perfect for dropping water balloons out the window when kids walk by.

  Anything for a laugh—right?

  That’s not Mrs. Heinie’s slogan. She is our dorm mother, so she has to be serious. She spends her time snooping and spying on us, making sure we don’t do anything for a laugh.

  I climbed the creaky stairs to my room and found Mrs. H. stretched out on the floor beside my bed. “Mrs. Heinie? Are you okay?” I cried.

  She rolled over to face me. “I’m doing an under-the-bed inspection in every room,” she said. “You’d be surprised at the things I find under beds.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “Well, on the second floor, I found a boy under his bed. He’d been there for three days.”

  “That’s my friend Chipmunk,” I said. “You know how shy he is. He doesn’t like to come out.”

  She rolled over and pulled out a carton from under my bed. Inside was my secret stash of Nutty Nutty candy bars. I planned to sell them to the second graders for a dollar each.

  “Aha!” she cried. “What have we here? Trying to hide something from me?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I am.” I grabbed the carton from her hands. “Please, Mrs. H.—it’s your birthday present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.”

  She squinted at me through her thick eyeglasses. “My birthday present?” She shook the box. “Sounds like candy bars to me,” she said.

  She has an awesome ear!

  I slid the box back under the bed. Then I helped her to her feet. “It’s actually a thank-you present,” I said. I flashed her my best, dimpled smile. The dimples in my cheeks always KILL!

  “Thank you?” she said. “For what?”

  I kept the awesome smile aimed at her. “I know I’m going to win the Heinie Prize,” I said. “I just want to tell you how honored I am.”

  “You’re joking, right?” she replied. She started for the door.

  “No, wait. I want to show you something,” I said. I pulled her to the window. “See this windowsill, Mrs. H.? That’s where the prize trophy will go.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Dream on.”

  “Do you think you could lend the Heinie trophy to me now?” I asked. “I want to get used to having it in my room.”

  She stuck her finger down her throat and made a gagging sound.

  “Is that a hint?” I said. “Are you trying to tell me I really am number one?”

  “Bye, Bernie.” She lumbered from the room, shaking her head.

  I patted the windowsill. I pictured the silver trophy glowing in the sunlight with my name engraved on the front. Maybe one day I’d invite Sherman Oaks up for a quick glance at it.

  “Yo, Big B!” A voice interrupted my daydream.

  I spun around. “Belzer—what do you want?” I asked.

  Chapter 4

  A SURPRISING LETTER

  “I finished your homework, Bernie,” Belzer said. He set a stack of workbooks and binders down on my desk.

  Belzer does my homework for me every night. He’s a good kid. He knows I need time to plot and scheme for my guys here in Rotten House. No way I can fit homework into my busy schedule.

  Belzer is a chubby, dumpy, schlumpy guy with floppy, red hair and a face full of freckles. He flashed me a crooked smile.

  “I fed your parrot,” Belzer said.

  I turned to smile at Lippy, my beautiful green and red parrot, on his perch beside my bed.

  “I’ll beak your eye out!” he squawked.

  “Ha-ha!” I laughed. “Isn’t he cute? Who taught him to say those adorable things? Was it me?”

  “Beak me!” Lippy cried.

  I shook my head. “He is the sweetest bird,” I said. “Belzer, did you walk my dog?”

  My fat bulldog, Gassy, was sprawled on my bed, snoring away as usual.

  “Yes, I gave him a good walk,” Belzer said. “You know, he has bad stomach problems. He stinks, Bernie. He really stinks.”

  “Always walk in front of him,” I said. “Don’t ever walk behind him.” I glanced toward my closet. “Hey, my laundry bag is full,” I said. “Guess I’ll go do my laundry.”

  Belzer blocked my path. “No, please, Big B,” he said. “You know how much I love doing your laundry. Please—let me do it!”

  “Well…if you insist,” I said. I shoved the bulging laundry bag into his arms.

  Belzer is a good kid. It took a long time to train him. But it was worth it.

  “Don’t starch the shirts,” I said. “I want everything soft. Soft!”

  “You got it,” Belzer said. He staggered to the door.

  And Feenman stepped into the doorway. “You got a letter, Belzer,” Feenman said.

  Belzer reached for the envelope and dropped the laundry bag on Feenman’s foot. Feenman stumbled over it and fell to the floor. Gassy lowered his head from the bed and started to lick Feenman’s hair.

  Lippy squawked.

  Belzer studied the envelope, moving his lips as he read. “Weird!” he said. “It’s from my parents!”

  Belzer’s parents never write to him. The only letters he ever gets are from The Bald Man’s Hair Club. No one knows how he got on their mailing list.

  “Go ahead. Open it up,” I said. “It might be important.”

  “Maybe they sent me money!” Belzer said.

  “If they did,” I replied, “you can pay me what you owe me for letting you do my laundry.”

  Belzer started to tear open the envelope. Little did I know that the letter would change my life FOREVER!

  Chapter 5

  BELZER IS OUTTA THERE!

  Belzer held the letter close to his face and started to read it out loud. “‘Dear Belzer,’” it began.

  Even his parents call him Belzer! I don’t think anyone knows his first name.

  Dear Belzer,

  All we hear from you is about this kid Bernie Bridges. Bernie this and Bernie that. It seems you have nothing else to write about.

  You haven’t accomplished anything at school. You seem to be a loser in every way.

  We want to be proud of you. We don’t want to be proud of someone named Bernie.

  So, we are taking you out of Rotten School. We will send you to a school where you can amount to something.

  Love,

  Mom & Dad

  Feenman and I stared in shock at Belzer. Belzer had his eyes on the letter. He was reading it again.

  Finally, he turned to us with a sad sigh. “I have to go to another school,” he muttered. “Guess I should start packing.”

  “Whoa! Hold it! Hold it!” I cried. I rushed across the room and grabbed Belzer by his flabby shoulders. “You’re not leaving Rotten School just because your parents say so—are you?”

  Belzer shrugged. “Yeah. I think so.”

  “Bad attitude!” I said. “You know Bernie B.’s motto—‘Never Give Up!’”

  “But, Bernie—” Belzer started to protest.

  “Did I give up when Coach Bunz ordered us to climb the peaks of Mount Droolmann?” I asked.

  “Bernie, that was a tiny hill,” Feenman said. “And Belzer carried you to the top—remember?”

  “Did I give up when Chef Baloney refused to give us second helpings of his famous mushroom chocolate chip ice cream? Did I give up when Mrs. Heinie insisted that Foamy Root Beer is not part of a healthy breakfast?”

  I gave Belzer a hard slap on the back. “No!” I declared. “No! I never give up!”

  Belzer let out a soft whimper. “But, Bernie—my parents say I have to leave.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “You’re not going anywhere. Now, get outta here. Go do the laundry.” I tossed him the bag and shoved him out the door.

  I waited until Belzer had disappeared down the stairs. Then I turned to Feenman. I punched my fist into my hand. “They can’t do this to me!” I shouted. “It took me months to train him! I don’t want to lose
such a good slave! Oops. I mean, such a good friend.”

  Feenman shook his head. “Belzer is a good guy,” he said. “But what can you do?”

  I started to pace back and forth, thinking hard, plotting and scheming. It’s what Bernie B. does best.

  A few minutes later I knew exactly what we had to do.

  Chapter 6

  BELZER IS THE MAN!

  I called Crench into my room. “Where’ve you been?” I asked.

  “Eating candy bars,” he said. He held up a Nutty Nutty Bar. He had chocolate smeared all over his face.

  “I want you to hear my idea,” I said. “It’s a brilliant idea.”

  “Dude, have you ever had any other kind?” Crench said. He sat down next to Feenman on my bed. They were both sitting on Gassy. But the fat, lazy bulldog didn’t seem to care.

  “Belzer has to win the Heinie Prize,” I said. “Most Outstanding Fourth Grader. That will impress his parents, and they’ll let him stay here.”

  “Huh?”

  Their mouths dropped open. A wet gob of chocolate fell out of Crench’s mouth, onto my white shag rug.

  “Belzer? Most Outstanding Fourth Grader?” Feenman cried. “But, Bernie—he’s kind of a dim bulb. I mean, when he gets dressed in the morning, he pulls his pants down over his head!”